Spitting White Gold Into The Wind

Everything’s fine, it’s just…it’s been a lot this year. A lot of really good stuff, and a lot of shit. An amazing year. Eyes on the road kinda year. lol. Rather took me for quite a ride. I think 2021 will have to do a lot with refining and defining who I “am”.

We hiked today for just a little bit. I can’t call it a hike as much as it was panting and heaving up a hill. The sky was beautiful, however, and so was the mountain. Worth it. I felt upset about being cold. And I hunger for red meat – two things not quite normal for me. I think I’m just sensitive (always) but especially right now, and have been spoiled with being indoors, no pressure to go out-of-doors – a lot more than any normal year. I’ve really liked that part.

I really am an introvert and I’m not just pretending to be so I can excuse my fear of other people (who are almost always outside my house, you see). But I AM an introvert and I am agoraphobic, yet a totally functioning agoraphobe. This is a truth, and something that makes me nervous about self-care for myself now and to build as habitual for my old years to come, you see: my grandmother, my mom’s mom, was agoraphobic. Clinically, pathologically agoraphobic. She never left the house EVER except for a special drive one of her son’s would take her on once or twice a year. Let’s put it this way: when I lived with her, I never saw her leave the house once. I cannot let myself be this way. I am not like her in any other real way, but in this way I am and it frightens me, knowing what I could allow to happen to me. But I won’t allow it. I will fucking not – of that I have no doubt.

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It’s been wonderful communicating with my little nephews (not sooo little anymore). All 3 of my youngest brother’s kids are artists or in theater. Pretty cool. I got to introduce them to Amano today, and my brother said, “wow, that reminds me so much of Vampire Hunter D”, and I’m like “yeah, man, that’s cuz he IS the artist behind it!” 🙂 Fun to talk about an artist we relate to but in different ways. I remembered some art I did, probably over a decade ago now, that was inspired by him. I found it and showed them, and here it is:

India ink, micron pen and acrylic ink on grey paper.

The sun-disk behind her head is gold paint.
Detail.
However long I stay, I will always love you. I will always love you. **Le drool

“Take the time to think about where you want to be now and how you can reach your goals, instead of just dreaming about them.” (6 of cups, reversed).

Dec 12 – I need to take a break from my mind and that’s going to take some time. I think I need to put the blog down, take up a book (my parents got me ‘The Goldfinch’ and I’m interested in reading for the first time in a long time; embroider; fuck around in watercolor. Come back to self in a higher, happier place. I was extraordinarily happy in November and right up to just a few days ago. And now, I am noticeably sad. Yes, sad. And so to comfort myself, I must. To allow myself to feel calm, peaceful, and connected to my life. I need to allow myself to let go and regain a sense of fresh, happy energy. Being happy, that’s a part of my cycle, too. And I can help myself into it.

I’ve got to go inside, and cozy in. Forget about the weather. And so I won’t be back here until it feels like it is sunlit again – when I am connected to that something fucking incredible that contains this whole planet, all the light and all of us, but inside of me radiating out. It’s a new thing I’m trying. But I honestly don’t know. This feels like new territory and I’m worried I’ll do a good enough job with self care.

I’ve got to go. Bye. Will return when I fucking feel like it.

Growth is painful. I guess that’s the way I like it. (Jesus, Jen).

I’m going to take a hot-warm bath and try to put some fuscia in my brain.

And drink some fucking water, for God’s sake!

December 12, 2020. Today, the wind blew! The leaves were unbelievable. Yellow, spitting white gold into the wind!