2021 Watercolor & Audio Journaling – A Combination of Styles

I’m doing a new daily journaling style. Basically it’s a line-less, sketchbook in which one can apply watercolors. It’s a challenge to do this. I had it more straight-line with only basically rounded-out headliners. Surely I’ve posted snaps of that journal (which I loved doing and having very much. It was a big comforting daily ritual. This 2021 stuff is much less confined but it’s scary to think of “ruining things” because art is involved. This is insane thinking and I know it…

Monday. Time to find newness. Time to find new things to hope for, and surprises and earnings and gifts. Time, also, to be challenged in ways you’ve never been challenged before. You can do this. You want to be better. You can be better, and you WILL BE BETTER. You will have sunshine inside you again (promise). It’s the promise of every Ending. The way you are now will end when you become renewed, but enough of you remains to remember. Someone scraped the bottom of her grinder and found a blessing during hard times in the form of one last keef-y bowl.

THE PRIEST WHO DIED This priest who died, had an NDE and reported on it in an interview I watched, he said “the bible is a crutch. It helps people cope with life when otherwise they cannot. They are broken and they need a crutch until they don’t”. That is what I remembered and I remembered also that these people I work with, they are broken. They are limited. They are as limited as me but perhaps less intelligent. The interesting and beautiful thing is, he remained a priest. He was literally here to heal people within their culture (church, bible, etc) using their tools, and their language to guide them through the chaos of being soul-possessed monkeys (which I believe we are). He was even open about his belief and NDE experience. I am happy and relieved he gets to keep his job. People like him, who accept and understand others are true bridges and great teachers. Openness is critical to growth and helping people in general.

I’m making a new way of journaling. Shit, did I say this already elsewhere? Here below are some things newly entered. The yellow Owl and random thoughts are from today, 1/5/21. The dark owl with black ink squaggles and outlined is yesterday. Owl is my go-to for just opening the door to drawing or painting. It is the the door wedge. I can do an owl. I can handle and owl. Owl is wise and brings me messages through the door, besides.


TUESDAY. My sense of humor is a gift I am grateful for. Nature and nurture gifted me on that one. I grew up in a family that has a great sense of humor, regardless if it is sometimes over-the-top and occasionally insensitive.

The prism light hit the paper, the rainbow gave me an idea…<3

Released Too Soon In The Wild

Released in to the wild too soon, was she. Her fur soft, but thinly. Her small body, perfect but fragile. Her heart was a hollow filled up with bees. But in that hollow once bees bumped and bounced, was now filled with honey. A bee’s nest of delight. She lifted the golden dew and held it above her like the sun. Above her head, with lowered eyes, she cast the light on e’eryone.

I want to have the equipment and skills for aging, as well as going into the problems of middle age, the Long Autumn. I want to help bring the truths of beauty into the world, not the truths of brutality. Not proofs of separateness. Everyone already knows about the separate but connectedness of life. (Those who don’t suffer). What about the beauty of being cared for? Who would I want that taken away from? Nobody.

I am hoping we get some rain this year.

Remember that red-skinned apples are medicine to you. They will sing inside you when you eat them. Let them in.


Oh my gosh today was gooooood. I went to an interview. I was so unhappy about having to go. WHAT is more stressful?! But, I enjoyed the drive up there, without music, just the commanding voice of Google Maps Lady telling me when to turn right, etc.

Later that day…I GOT IT! I GOT THE JOB! MY FIRST INTERVIEW, MY FIRST TRY AND I GOT IT! lol I am soooooo happy and nervous about being the new girl.

The man I will be working for…he is an open heart. He has compassion. He is attuned to certain things. I read him very, very well and I think I may be in good company (though professional. I am not currently shopping for friends, especially not at a new job). It’s possible I could be free here. Intellectually, spiritually. Coming from a place of total suppression, being a kind of secret witch, it makes one a bit of a hermit of the heart. I also know to be extremely careful and shut-mouthed for quite some time, until I know them rather well. It isn’t necessary to find like-minds, but it would be nice and FUN!


Sparrowhawk Medicine. The art of focusing on one’s highest objectives, filtering out all negativity that could lead to a drain of one’s precious energy.

Many things you want are already in your grasp, but distractions must be eliminated to see into the hidden, secret realms of the secret world. Once distractions are eliminated, perception is amplified.

Diligent practice. Wisdom, once applied to what we practice, becomes what we become. (Ritual creates reality. Focus creates amplification of observation and output).

Here’s the link to the site I gleaned this info from: https://www.universeofsymbolism.com/sparrowhawk-symbolism.html

Hey There, Beautiful Soul: What Other People Are For

Close up of Fox, Pinecone, Purple Flower. This is a highly metallic drawing. using metallic ink.

Here’s some new beautiful music to help move you along your journey:

Alright, so…this is a treasure. Described by the artist as, “a late night, candlelit feeling, evoking the light of dusk as the summer sun sinks below the horizon, setting the scene for thoughts and meditations that many people will relate to”. Indeed that is how it feels for me, too.

You will be unfolded in the most artful of fashions via other people. You will fold yourself up and throw yourself into harms way to endure what will later be smiled at upon reminiscing in your older age and lessons-learned.

You are always singing your own unique song on your lonesome, but there is no music you make that is not sent out into space that doesn’t harmonize or resonate with an Other, perhaps a someone, somewhere on this earth right now, creating a reverberating wavelength that travels on in the dreams of blessed recipients through time. Not ever lost, never discarded, but adding to the depth and solidity of the story of Earth and it’s ‘lings.

Other people are for focusing the continuous and unbroken spiral vision of your own will. For lifting you up or for slowing you down (sometimes necessary); for refining your will to be who you shall be or wish to be in the very next moment and possibly forever through time. To control and be controlled by. Other people are for who you do not wish to be, to curb you and to push you away from a destiny not of your own choosing.

Sometimes what other people are for is to exorcise the bullshit demons from your mind. Find and accept the people who serve your purpose to survive in this place.

This badass song should strengthen you to continue your work.

The Call to Adventure · Jonathan Hultén

You hold a secret art
The kind of treasure I revere

I call on you
To take me far away
To cross the vast and meet the fear

You hold the key I need
To get where I intend to go

Dream again
Of wonders of the vast
Towards joy, madness and woe

I let you light my way
To the places I am meant to see

Lies hidden in our hearts
Shackled, longing to be free

Death comes and grabs you by the shoulders
And speaks in harsh tone
In the end, your path and your life is your own

And there are hard choices to be made
To act out a dream no matter what it takes
And to hold it close until the very end

The Call To Adventure

Sunday. Today was a wonderful, beautiful day of peace. Outdoor air finally a bit cleaner though now my chest and sinuses infected enough to make me tired. It helped to force me into relaxing postures and attune to music. To write a lot and when not doing either reading, writing, or music listening, to enjoy sharing stories with Adam here in the treehouse. My mom sent pictures of me and my brothers as her babies. My older brother sent a picture of he and his lovely partner in adventure, Amy. They are going somewhere in their car, enjoying life. My younger brother sent pictures of my parents standing sweetly, happily in front of their house. I nearly choke up at the sight of their elderly bodies, so innocent and accepting of life it seems – looking happy, such a relief to me that they are happy. They have a new project in their yard and I am relieved that the force of life still pushes them on, into plans and enjoying and photographing filling breakfasts they make with their hands.

May the road rise with you.

So, Saturday evening I went to a Women’s Shamanic Circle and I will return again in December. There was a Russian woman there I totally vibed with and I regret fleeing the scene so quickly afterward. There she was, standing out in the parking lot, beaming at me. A loner, just like me, an outsider interested in our mutual weirdness and I fucking RAN away. lol It’s ok though, I had had enough for the night and was way overstimulated at that point. I just hope she comes back, because she was SO interesting and SMART. I will be sad if I never see her again. What is normal protocol? Hi. I sense we like each other. Give me your number and I’ll never call you. God, gimme this woman…we need each other. We could have so much fun and she’s so intelligent and can tell me more about her perspective and pain, having lived through the transition from USSR to Russia and then coming to the states and being from another dimension. She will never have met a more interested listener.

So, I wrote the facilitator/teacher/guide a thank you note I shall send in the mail, because who doesn’t like that? Who doesn’t love that. 🙂 I drew a little symbolic think on the inside, unwritten-upon flap to eliminate any blank space (more like, to use a precious blank space).

The Thank-You Card to Karen (inside flap).


Interesting synchronicities about anger today, so I really started paying attention. This is my summary, my take-away:

Captain is an obnoxious desk-fellow. He exactly always find that key and shrinks my screen size down to about 80%. I’m always shifting him and my keyboard around like a planchette on a ouija board and it’s my fucking fault for letting him up here this summer. Never did it before and now he can’t be stopped. Not ethically, anyway.

We are super rare. And each of us yet another rarity.


Don’t wish I had the skills over whatever it is I do have. I’d rather be able to see what I’m seeing and be open to it. Yeah, years of social pain and pointlessness (sometimes) of Outside-of-Self actions. I liked it, I really did; I still do sometimes (sometimes).

In fact, yesterday we met a new neighbor (like, right next door in the building next to mine). He’s around our age. A smart IT person, an exuberant, outgoing personality. And a roleplaying D&D player!!! He lives alone and his wife died in 2016 (the flood that broke through the door of my heart for him when he said that…). Sweet man. Not vulnerable and bleeding (healthy, doing ok). And, I know he likes Marilyn Manson because he was blasting it from the little white company car he drives. He parallel parks like he’s on fast-forward. I see this all from my window and on my walk on the skinny, winding sidewalk through the tiny gardens of this place.

Ok, am going to meditate now. I promised myself. Ritual is reality.

What is farther away from you seems less real.

What is closer to you seems the more real.

What is too close can take over too much of your Being, will to create your focus, your reality. Anything and everything can be explained. To us humans, we can only see so far because we can only think so far. We are inside a structure that is inside a structure, always. All we are is all we can be. It’s hard to explain things because it requires a lot of connection and simultaneous seeing. Eternity already exists, but we are trillions of light years behind. We will seemingly never see the end, yet it is already over. We exist, we’re already gone.

Ritual creates reality, yo.

FRIDAY Night hike last night. We turned our lights off on the top of the peak where we stood on a wide, open trail. The stars came out, more and more, beautiful and so far away. Saw the milky way, endless stars up there. An endless depth. Here we are, seeing it in this way, through our animal eyes. The Universe being something so large and incomprehensible that it becomes pointless and we become its center.

Saturday. We sat outside a lot. I have a very, very long nap. Lot of reading, writing and listening to music. My body somewhat stiff from yesterday’s 5 miles. I ate hot, creamy polenta with chopped spinach and chopped carrots topped with a slab of melting butter, and a chopped tomato. It was heaven. It was incredibly beautiful outside today. I felt very aligned with it…held in its safety somehow. Grateful for it. A little scared. The tension is a bit much in the world right now. Adam feels me and so he knows. He has been extramuch there for me the past couple of days. His tenderness is rare. His kindness sincere. It’s been 26 years having him in my life, and sometimes I marvel that he is real. He is a healer and teacher and every day he makes the world better just by being in it. People like him, you have to give them space. They need time to either be alone, or not be fixing or giving of themselves. They need to chill and play video games. They need to be thanked for the sandwiches they bring home when they go out so they can listen to music while driving. Yeah, it’s a nice thing to understand the needs of your partner. It’s super fucking wholesome to anticipate each other’s comfort and well-being. Just some thoughts on today, and why it worked so well and was beautiful and pure even though there was a sadness/anxiety cloud-wave in and around me. I’m really learning to appreciate quiet beauty again.

I need to travel. All things in their time, Jen; and there’s time for everything. (Yes, it’s true). Want to see my brother, I want us all to meet up.

Ok, tomorrow is a new day and a fresh beginning. It will be full of goodness, for sure.

Dopamine & A Sketchbook Archive

Picture yourself on a boat on a river.

I love this video and I think this is my favorite song off the album. Been a nice time in September for music. I’m going to burn myself out on all of it if I’m not careful.

I love her moonlight hair…

I had wonderful dreams in the middle of the night. Beautiful dreams of a fantastical nature alongside beautiful music and lights and rainbows. Much like my trip, but fuller. Fully beautiful and fun, joyful creativity. It was exactly like a really great music video which made me laugh. I woke smiling, with my cat, Captain, snuggled exactly in the right spot of our mutual heart-space curves. He is so precious to me. He’s getting old, I see it more and more, but we’ve aged together, my little buddy and I.

One of the messages I got from my trip (a repeated from past sessions kind of message) was that there was “time for everything” and that I should let go of rushing to make life happen (fulfillment?) because it was all happening on a deep level anyway. I didn’t need to work so hard in the direction I was working. “All things in their due time”. I don’t have to work so hard, on people, on myself – it’s the same thing as working for nothing and wearing oneself out to exhaustion with nobody caring and nothing special constructed. I could see that my pace is frantic. I’m trying to get things done that are getting done anyway. I guess I should accept some peace in knowing that by the time this is over for Me, I’ll be satisfied.

Mostly 2007-2008, but some from later years.

I started lightly, purposelessly painting. Started on the balcony. It’s extremely relaxing. All vanity is gone so I’m free to whatever. I’m not doing anything experimental on any masterpiece, so it’s fine whatever I do. I have so much blank canvas and what I don’t like I can either throw out or cut off of the stretcher bars and store in a drawer or closet. Everything small and manageable. The size and scope of which I can handle and nothing more. Zero expectation. Even if it’s bad it’s good.