The Anxiety of Leaving

Even if just for the summer. I cannot believe the level of anxiety I feel, just from parting from this place, even for my own good, my own betterment – and even so, only temporarily. I have the anxiety…like an addiction. I feel very bad about it. I feel like I have gotten on a bus, to go far away (too far to walk), and am at the mercy of others. Such a strange development. I am deeply surprised and have a sense of having lost control. Its tie to here, this, my writings and pictures place is obvious. This place I put things that have nowhere else to go and are only expressed in this way – this place has become a home of mine. Home of mind.

I chose very recently to quit smoking pot so I could be hyper-aware and be able to focus on things that require different parts of my brain to focus and come forward and do work, and it was a good idea, for sure it was correct, but jesus christ. It’s intense enough of a fucking big deal that I want to mark it in time – here – so that I can see where this goes with the evidence to stir memory in future when everything will probably be totally different.

I dunno. What a helpless freakshow I feel like right now. I will settle, and I want to see how that happens, but I don’t like this feeling AT ALL and I hope it goes away very soon for fuck’s sake.

I need wisdom, power and peace. Why oh why did I lift up my anchor?

I appreciate that we all simply MUST go through these weird and scary places. We have to go to the dentist and be willingly vulnerable and at the mercy of people and places, but over time, we do these things because we know we need to and because our tomorrow-selves depend on us to do the right things, as soon as possible.

I have to keep…I have to make that breakthrough. I have to get out the paint. I want to see that dark indigo night surrounding my illustrated spirit. The animals that are my totem. The music that is a sacred place echoing from the underground inside me. I’m struggling. I appreciate that it isn’t special to struggle. I’m soon going to be grateful for the deepening my suffering will create. Like the force of water, the deluge from above, I am deepened in parts of me that will remain to refresh me daily and nurture the parts of my world – above and below – and enable me to be a place in this world. A walking breathing darkness where others can benefit and find a shadowy respite in an overly saturated, overly lit, loudly advertised world.

This helped bring me down.

Relax. Enjoy The Show.

Change happens in the desert over a slow period of time. Most of it goes unnoticed by anyone except for the raptors because they are always looking for changes.

We went to this place in the desert where people go to shoot their guns at objects they bring with them. It is now off-limits and has become federally protected land (Dinosaur bones here in the area, so they say, though I’ve never seen any around here).

There’s time for everything. Sit back. Relax and just take it all in. You are loved and there’s time for everything. In the end, you’ll be satisfied.

A Bathtub Time Conversation. 3-4 weeks in to my new life.

I’m interested in the people at work. That’s pretty cool.

A client sent me a gift from Amazon at work! I was super embarrassed and…afraid. I had anxiety. But I tried to let myself enjoy it. It’s a gift meant to make me feel appreciated for being kind or positive, or genuinely appreciated otherwise in some way. Gifts give me anxiety, I think, because I feel I can never make a mistake again. That a gift is a supreme sacrifice of an Other (it isn’t) and that they are signifying an expectation of the way things will be in exchange for items (fuck that shit). Either way, I can know that’s what a gift means to me. I can’t know what it means to the other person. Not really. To understand the meaning behind a message is the responsibility of the gifter, not the receiver. Is that true?

This looks like it has a filter on it, but doesn’t. I love the way the lattice looks. So strange in the camera.

If you just relax and enjoy the show, the dream of reality, the mystery of life. If you just step back from what you think you are, and let the fire of your soul touch the light of God, you’ll be blessed with pure enjoyment”.u/core_de_roma

Yes, Jen. Relax and enjoy the show.

A surprising aspect of my job that I enjoy and find empowering is when I help the cranky old people. I have a different perspective than I used to about them. They used to utterly piss me off and disappoint me with their seeming meanness. But now I see them as defensive, pissed-off (because: world, disappointments), but also see them as people who have endured decades of loss and confusion. I see them as people who have probably done unbelievably difficult and sad things and have endured as best they can with what they have been shaped to be by outside forces. For some, the best they can be is ordered and diligently careful. I have found (immediately, from Day 1 at the New Job) that to speak to them with kindness, and also with patience shown through slowed speech and thoughtful listening, that they respond with an outpour of … sincerely appreciative connection. They soften immediately. They are able to take in more of what I am saying. They feel my love and care for them and something falls away from them, like a heavy rug that was wrapped around them. They seem to have more awareness and an ability to absorb the moment as a positive exchange of community, inclusion, mutual care and appreciation (after all, we are both appreciative of cooperating). It has been extremely rewarding to me, emotionally, that I can make a warm place in a cold world for someone else in the moment. Extremely gratifying. It grants me permission to self-love, not gonna lie; Because, that is real power, to be able to enhance spirit and life through attention and invisible means, and with no loss of supply or energy, really. In fact, it is itself energizing and uplifting.

I sometimes want to write letters to people, to tell them what I really think. I want to tell the girl at the Wendy’s drive through with the blue butterfly on a blue rose tattoo on her arm that she is her mom’s hero, but also that her mom, already half-gone is forever inside her world because she’s forever inside her. So young to have a mother so sadly debilitated by early-onset Alzheimer’s…I’m still going to think on this one. I feel I need to tell her something and maybe I will figure it out. Maybe she will think I’m nuts, but I don’t think so. I saw the depths of sadness shadowing her visage the first time. I felt “The South” in her before she spoke, telling me my total for the crispy chicken sandwich and diet pepsi (or coke?). I saw that blue-tinged butterfly atop the wonky rose and I knew: mama. But so young? Yes. So young to see someone so needed by her forget who she is or was; to be unable to give the gold inside her to someone who cherishes it so. Poor baby. All I could say was, “You know, I can feel it, honey.” To acknowledge what must feel so …such a lonely burden of loss. Sometimes I wish I had better direction to know what to do. Why don’t I? Because you don’t even try to meditate or sit in silence in the morning to wait for it. You music-blasting, news-reading, drama-queen idiot. LOL You spend your time suspiring into the wind and then writing about it here. BUT, I do now know that blue butterflies mean mother. White butterflies mean husbands, I think. Will need to test them both further. Cats mean a message is coming. Houses describe a person’s perspective of taking care of self (needs).

50 cases of Covid at the workplace I just left behind…wow. Nobody’s died so that’s good.

As I’m getting to know my new coworkers, I find I like them a lot, but the drama is there and I want to handle these other humans as best I can. I know I’m working on a series of challenges loooooong running in my life (challenges, not problems), thematically-speaking. Same shit, different setting, different decade; but with much better perspective (deeper, by a lot). I’m going to get older here at this place. It may be my last job (a big deal) and this last kind of thing, so I want it to be really good. I want to go out on a high-note. I know that’s so fucking morbid, but why else do I have this urgency to create a LOT of influence on the world right now? It feels good, it feels right, it feels incredibly important. A small world I have to (need to want to) live in for a bit? Other people and my effect on them. I feel like a bit of a creep saying such things, but being truthful is so crucial to growth, my growth. And my growth has become something. No, not “something”, the only thing worth living for.

From 2010?

What do I miss from my old life? The twilights. The warmth of summer nights. Being outside at a bbq. People celebrating life. Young people. Hopeful people.

Good night. I hope you do well tomorrow and feel good about it all at the end of the day. At twilight to be exact.

Deja Vu + Other Psychic Happenings & A Big Art Dump

The Deja Vu. They are not common for me, the ones with intense significance, where I recognize the situation from a dream. The very interesting difference with this one is that the dream was very dream-like and symbolic, unlike “normal” deja vu’s that are more like “having seen this situation occur in a past dreaming-state”. This one required interpretation, and it’s timing was right for me to take it seriously and really think about how to “handle” it. Very, very interesting. Also unusual was how I tripped out during the deja vu. I was dizzy, almost having to try to stay in the present moment rather than slipping into …almost like falling asleep. It happened while I was at work. It lasted a long time for a deja vu. Very weird. Very helpful. I feel like I have a conscious, accessible, do-able task for myself that I know will improve the quality of my life and self-fulfillment. Wow.

So much to go through and post. Super fun seeing again and I enjoy posting them, for sure. If the artwork’s too crappy, I won’t post it, but almost everything else, yes. There’s some funny stuff, too. I love to appreciate my own work after not seeing it for a long time. Sometimes, I don’t end on good terms with my own drawings and paintings. I used to be ashamed of some things. But now, I see that these things are precious for ever having been created at all.

See the starry, dissolved effects in the paint above? That is the effect of using salt on damp paint. There is a trick to using not too much water in the paint, or letting some of it evaporate off before salting. Too much water and the salt will dilute enough to cause it to bond with the paper. It’s a fabulous effect. I used it here on my new-then watercolors, made with honey as a binder. And on my new-then pads of watercolor paper, bonded together with glue at the edges so you don’t have to tape down all the edges or stretch the paper. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I hate the set-up process of painting!

The box o’ art I need to go through. Won’t post all of it, but I want to archive most of it here. I’m glad I kept it all.

As I picked this up to see it, both Captain’s Shadow and the prism rainbow were cast upon it. I was delighted. 🙂 It made everything perfect. Relevant. Beautiful. fun. ❤
My buddy. ❤
My brothers and I on a piano bench, in our home in Hawaii. Technically Honolulu, but very Aiea. About 2-3 miles from Pearl Harbor. I love this pic of us. The color is quite off in this photo, though. For example, the carpet is forest-green, my dress was browner, the walls were almost mint green. My brothers were blonde, with no auburn highlights. We all have a spray of freckles over our cheeks and noses from so much sun. 🙂 The scar on my chin is still visible from an accident a year or two before. FACTS.

There’s more, and I’ll post that later. I think more here would be too much. It’s been fun. I wonder if when I’ve gone through it all and posted what I want to, if I will enjoy the emptyness of having done that. Like, maybe I’ll feel open and free to create some new things with more current relevence. If so, how different will the work be? I feel like instead of taking a more complicated direction, I will take a more spontaneous, looser direction and just not worry so much about anything. Lots of these little pieces reflect that anyway, but I would like to recover a sense that artmaking is just a way to relax and unbundle my mind.

I’m doing great at work. Have made myself valuable and reliable and resilient. I am on a 12 hour set of days this next week and we’ll see how I do. I may really like it. As long as it’s busy, I sort of have found I thrive on the “panic” of things and it is helping me learn the job. I have had to stand my ground on the amount of days I’m wanted there, however. I have made it clear what I do not like. With only one significant demand, I’m a very flexible One who is highly cooperative. I have found that I truly am an amazing coworker and employee. Yes, they are lucky to have me. Making myself that way increases my quality of life, without a doubt. I love bringing good things to others through my work.

Oh! A fascinating psychic time at work. I’m on the phone with a new client. We take info to enter it into the system before they arrive so the welcome is smooth upon arrival. I ask the gentleman his last name (had good vibes somehow coming from him, too. I wonder of that doesn’t have something to do with it). I know it just before he says it. I am amused and pleased. Then, even before I ask him his first name, I know (this is what’s called claircognizance) it is ‘Christian’. I ask. He hesitates for the splittest of seconds and says, “Chris”. I didn’t not ask if it was short for Xtian, but I don’t need to ask. I already know. So. Cool. Just open channels? Cooperation? Like-minds? I really wonder. I’ll never know. I’ll never tell this person. These secrets are mine to keep and wonder about.

The music situation is still highly repetitive, but I am now very much enjoying the upward spiral I see it has become. So much Peter Murphy and Daniel Cavanagh and Lo Moon. Gorgeous music.

And that is all.

Wait, I DO have a song. I’m not sure, I don’t have the musical vocabulary to express it, but in this one, there’s something I love about the way it is produced. Tantilizing.

Tranquility (Summer Music)

Good summer nighttime music. Especially: First Bird To Awake. First Bird To Sing 11:24 but not sure. Would be a mood thing. Dew is Falling is pretty great with a harpsichord and all.

This happened: My hair got caught in Adam’s armpit and I went for a smol ride for a few inches down the hallway. We both agreed: it was a freak accident.

At 14:14, I just love this piece. Called, “Sea and Seasons”. I love it… ❤ I love ‘Little Bitch’ right aftwerd, too.

I don’t want to deal with social media. I hate it for how loud it is. It is a train, traveling in a straight line for a million miles – but that train is loaded with car after car of rotting carcasses, luggage filled with shit-stained lingerie and shit-stained “my best pair of shoes” shoes. Just NO. I have tried. I have gone there out of desparation whilst being desperate for a distraction from the insanity happening now in the OUTER WORLD, for god’s sake! At least on the Inner World I knew it was just ME. Also, I don’t really feel that way. I really appreciate reddit and imgur, and I know it is up to me to slow down or stop when I need to, for my own mental well-being.

Oh my god. This touches me so deeply…so deeply…I’m listening to Spin-Spin (1976), the piece (instrumental) is Sunday Afternoon’s Dream 25:04.

Today I painted a cat I rather like. I hope that by the time summer’s over, I will be painting a bit more in-depth. For some reason (and understandably possibly forever)…I dunno… I’m rambling because I’m nervous about how I’m doing working on building up my strength in all areas so that I can progress this wonderful continuum of my spirit in a more expedited way. I have a very hard time relaxing. So, that said, I can say that due to the pandemic, being forced to be home, has shown me that I am wound up TIGHTLY, and absolutely brain-fried into near stupidity with regard to the amount of pent-up release and badly needed relief of Nothing-Left-To-Do-Except-Sit-Down-With-Pen-And-Paper_look-In-The-Mirror-And -Write-What-You-See. And so, in this terrible dream I thought I was not ok, but was merely surviving, so I went ahead and did a little non-committed, free-form thought driven, art therapy and here I am today, finding that this kind of thing is (and has been for a long time, since forever) that is good for me. Endquote.

So, I’ve been making scrumptous food. i’ve been journaling in cartoon. I’ve been watching paint dry and recede from the surface of paper, taking my message into someone else’s hand one day, one day after I die. I’ve found new music. I’ve pondered my old age. Been terrorized by the thoughts generated as a natural form of chronic suffering (because, hello, human). Through that, I have more of myself from letting go of something by letting it in. Ughh. Difficulties no one can know are our burden as individuals, but I’m really rambling now. Chicken and Dumplings.

Homemade chicken and dumplings. was fucking amazing.

Happy Monday 🙂

What a great morning. Watched Christine McConnell’s Forest House Renovation Tour. She’s pretty amazing. ❤ I love how she acknowledges how important her cats and pup are to her. She recommended a band I loooove, Gunship (80’s inspired techno)

Also watched, after discovering, a hummingbird building a nest in the tree canopy right outside my kitchen window! Wow! Bringing some kind of fluff and licking (?) the surfaces and placing things just so. Also was impressed that she (he?) smoothed the nest sculpture with its wing.

Dipped into my watercolor just to plap some pigment on a free-form, visual journal page.

Later…just got back from my hike. A short and leisurely stroll through the woods, really, but that was the best I could do on such a hot and sunny day. It smelled gloriously piney, though, and it was ab solutely gorgeous and full of bird energy and all that lifey-feel stuff. But guess what? I came across a large group of beautiful, young, male deer. They saw me and some got up, but they all became very still. omg their beauty… stunning and healthy-looking. Their antlers were so soft looking. Eyelashes so long and eyes so sweet and deep. Soft black muzzles and blended strawberry-blonde, dark-red bodies. I stood a good while, sweetly speaking to them. They relaxed, but I knew I had to move on before they decided to leave. Pretty cool, though!! On my way back, I saw they were still there. But by then I went full nature-retard and decided we were all friends and spoke to them in my typical overly-familiar way and they got up and left. lol – Still pretty amazing!

Antlered friends.

No child deserves to be home-schooled by the average american. Please, wear your mask so kids can go back to school this Fall.

Ok, I think that’s enough for now. ❤

A Candle Burning Mid-Day

Videos from September. Wow, these were wonderful to relive here at home, in my new home, today!!! omg, so special. so so special. That day/evening was magic. Hearing the music again was healing to my soul, and I know I’ll have another evening like this soon, that’s the plan. A healing adventure in a new place, in a treetop canopy, so delights will abound.

Lit a candle in the middle of the day and found it to be beautiful.
A journal sketch. 🙂 “We serve each other. We’re all walking each other home.”
Thank you, magic kitty…<3

Smoekybeauty 2005-2020. My sweet girl. It was Sunday. Day of rest.

A friend of mine and I, we talked about how contrasting, the home becomes with the absence of a spirit, an energy vanished. It is surreal.

Cyndi Lauper – True Colors

I haven’t heard this is years, and I don’t think I’ve seen the video since the 80’s? My mom, when this came out and was a radio hit, told me it reminded her of me. I cringed with embarrassment, but now it’s a really nice thing. My mom’s still alive, but someday she won’t be and I will have something like this to always feel loved and protected (somehow) by her. It’s a thought that doesn’t make me sad, it makes me feel peace.


Woke up fully slept (over 8!) and happy from good dreams. Vibrant dreams with easy recall and good vibles. 😀

Also got in MY POOL for the first time! It was wonderful. I grew up being in the water and have been missing it in my life for a long, long time. Wow, I feel so grateful for anything and everything good in my life right now. Getting in the shower after my swim in the sun, this song burst into my mind and made me laugh – it’s the perfect “all is well song”.

Movin’ Right Along – The Muppets!

Steps To Success!

I’ll bet I haven’t heard this album since 2010. Strange, because I was really, really into it. It’s just incredibly good. The whole fucking album is gold.
Beck, album is ‘Sea Change’.
Little One, by Beck.
I like it a lot. Andy Shauf – The Magician

How To Paint An Owl

A Way To Meditate

The precious procedure of creativity. With just enough pressure, each stroke of the pen produces something lovely inside and out. Here, I’m using my calligraphy pens and brushes and both ink and watercolor to do some playful feel-good stuff. I’ve only used these pens and brushes with inks and/or watercolors a few times in the past couple (few now?) years. I couldn’t readily remember how things felt and worked. I created a signiture that was new to me and I’d never used before. I think it came out very nice. I like the the mixing of hues creates an unpredictable “you get what you get” kind of color on the paper. It feels human and pleasingly imperfect.

I wish I owned a store, just so I could call it MADNESS! I would sell all sorts of mad things, except it will be beautiful and trippy, and wicked, but it would smell good, so good.

Another good way to meditate is to rearrange the furniture and the things.

Best way to meditate: let your mind think whatever it wants, watch it play back its most worrisome details. Let it breathe while you watch it unfold safely inside you; with compassion, with understanding of its reasoning, with love. Thinking can be one of the most profoundly creative parts of us. And is without a doubt key to changing ourselves with focus, logic, and attention – all thinking things.

In fact, what I want most is to be understood. I think it is why comedy and the gift and power of laughter are so powerfully good. It is because in that moment you know you understand another person and you know they, too, understand you.

There is more to life, and it is all in my head.