Depth over darkness. I’m waiting at an edge, drifting in and out of consciousness, wondering about the time I will finally lose focus, and fall into the darkness, where I do not lay but instead I am taken in to the current, to be born again into the sun.
You open a door and god finds a way to distract the wolves while you shut the door. Awwww NOOOOOooooo I have oPpOrTyooooonaty!!! What is more stressful?!!! You open a jar and the universe spills in and changes everything.
Today is Adam’s birthday and I got him something I do not understand but that he loves. We can sometimes give of ourselves in ways that don’t make sense or seem logical to ourselves, but to that Someone Else will make their day. A denial of something you can do that brings someone else joy is a kind of punishment for loving something that isn’t them and they don’t understand. But it’s ok to be a prick as long as you don’t just carry along with it instead of fixing it and attuning more to your higher self, you know?
I feel such a psychic connection to everyone right now. It’s wonderful to feel so connected. It is also scary, and it’s ok to feel both wonder and fear.
Guess what, me? I got to see Cam and Ken yesterday, and omg they just heal me. I escape this Jen-Earth situation and attend to them with cheeses and olives and they tell me about interesting people, their adventures, their family dramas and they just love on their families and friends so much in their interest, and in the dynamics. The dynamics are what make life INTERESTING. I guess that we learn and grow dynamically through the dynamics of our groups, our groupings – throughout life.
First, we went pinecone collecting (for Cam’s daughter’s wedding) at Mt. Charleston, which is the perfect activity. I am grateful for my super-strong knees. Some people, it hurts just to go up ‘r down stairs. Me? Why my kn ee s is as strong as oxen.
C, K, A and I sat on the balcony at the small, white, perfect table. Clean, yet bright and bejeweled was our view of the golden Ash trees and the late-late afternoon sky. The girls drank and ate, and I felt so much pleasure at their enjoyment of the blueberry-goat cheese (blueberrygoat – lol) and brie; the melon, the crackers and cheap wine. Adam introduced them to the dark chocolate covered Marzipan (omg yum).
They told me all kinds of things that brought me down – a good thing, down from anxiety; and told me about things they experienced and learned at their Magical Malibu friend’s house who has a giant yert (?), grows her own pot in Carmel, and said she’d be happy to meet me and have us all at her house for a night and talk. She seems very interesting, smart, and kind. I hope to gain some insight. We will all try to make it work someday sooner than later.
Today I was thinking that we, as souls, really do volunteer for this painful shit, we realllllly do! It enhances the experience of everything. Think of what a champion you feel you are when you read a complicated novel or art film. It is because we love painful challenges. We’re all subs in this dungeon, biotches.
There are many, many people who go much lower than I ever could (in part, because they will it and in part because they experience deep sadness and that enriches the experience of the Cthulhu-type god-Reality that is It That Worshipped & Obeyed).
I hate my keyboard. I hate that I can’t use “manic” in a non-scholastic way – like, I feel manic right now, but I can’t say that without implying some psychiatric diagnosis and episode. No, I just feel manic. It’s a good word, and I’d like to use it because I like it, like I’d like to use a rainbow because I like it, and not because it’s gay. You know?
I don’t got no music. I’m fully embedded in a cycle of repeats and that’s ok, but I need to try some new things. I hate doing new things. I like things OLD. (Not true, I like them new, too).
I have too long been a storm pretending to be a soft breeze.