With Roses This Time

There’s still so much more of life left to enjoy. Velvety, red roses atop my table; in my beautiful room, a long time in to Summer now, but not too long till Fall.

We had a beautiful time. I don’t have a shot of it, but the wines were divine. I felt blessed by the togetherness and good and beautiful surroundings. The visuals were really just so terribly pleasing.

The roses…so special. Even now, the day after, I have gone to visit them many times. My sad little black dragon. He goes so well with this all, too. I am glad I brought him home with those roses.

Adam and Debbie are so precious to me. What beautiful people I am lucky to have in my life. Am I just as good?

Endings and Beginnings In The Middle Of Nowhere

Life without purpose is a virus

Life without death is a cancer

Pick a problem and help solve it – either through money or action or something else.

Loved this, visually. The music is good. Great for relaxing an tripping out a bit to.
Maybe I’ll always have 10 years left to live?

I just finished the last page of my journal (means, I have to choose the new one…a nerve-wracking experience), and I continued on to the even lastiest of last pages, and finished my thoughts (and no, I have no plans to die in 10 years 9- actually, it’s 9 now). Anyhow, the fucking pen was out of ink. Both finished at the same time. Wow?! And lol…!

The sentence was going to be “what a weird ending”.

In another universe, we never stopped being friends and we had so much fun all those years. It was so good that we were shaped by it into being totally different people in a way, not like we are now. Not better, not worse, just – well, yeah, yes, it was the better alternative. But what can you do? You can only go on. And bask in knowing that all the love you ever had was real and is the only thing that continues until death. Love is always there. Always.

And it was. (A weird ending).

My Small, Pale Hands

Held my skull tonight.

At the sink, cleaning my face in the dim light.

I rubbed my hands, gliding them with gentle pressure, over the the waves of my inner coral reef. I felt my skin over my bones, the fat and muscle. They only enhanced the special beauty of my strengths.

You are greater than your greatest weakness.

A pale pink wash cloth.

It Was Never Meant To Be Pretty

It is better to have love than naught.

All that matters is what I think of and about my Self. That’s all we really have control over, truly. Prove me wrong. I’ll fight you for it – you’ll lose.

Extroversion and enthusiasm and zest for flight – these kinds of people I don’t like to see those people suffer. But they do. Here’s an important thing:

It is a fascinating time to be alive. Fascinating, I suppose as it has always been to be no one in particular. A freckle on the nose. A cute feature of a gnome’s dream, us. Us. The absolute and total separateness of Us. Yet here we all are, together, embracing fully only in our dreams. Dreams lost to tides of hopelessness and helplessness, we. Yet life, it is so truly beautiful, and magical, and MYSTICAL!!! Violet and indigo! Fuscia and yellow!!! Light and shadow!!Beauty, filth, and chaos. Together. Dividing, and multiplying. Ruination. Reincarnation. Revelation. Reunification. Regeneration. Regulation. Ruination. Reincarnation; etc. It sounds scary, and it is.

I would like to make videos of me talking to the Universe about what it is like in this glass jar.

Oh, Brittney Spears is a fucking human-trafficing victim.

This is a hot piece of music and a trippin’ video. I’m an instant fan of Yves Tumor!!! Visceral but innocent, like meat-eating angels.


Hilarious. Adorable.
This sound is so good!
Surely I have posted this one before, but can’t remember. I always think it isn’t good enough, but then it sneaks up on me now and again and I’m in another place, and I hear it in the background and I lazily fall in love with it, and realize “i really love this song”. It’s profound even though I don’t necessarily want it to be. Interesting is all.
“This” + “video” is “fire”. This takes me to the spacedance.

You know why you really have to be yourself, and really love yourself, and really know yourself? Because no one else, no matter how much they do, will ever love you or know you fully. No one person. Never. Ever. That is why self-love and self-acceptance are crucial to one having a happy life. Critical; needed; a must.

An Everyday Angel, or, a Rude Genius? Which one would I rather be? The one in the middle. And that one is? Human. Totally, straight vanilla human. A monster and a savior. I have that inside me. It’s the secret to my understanding of self (and acceptance and understanding of everyone else, too), kinda like the first truth I ever knew about myself. I would love to save you, but under other circumstances, I’d love to see your bones crushed and such. Needed: broader understandings; better interpretations. Goodness for once and all. Who we are is important. Who we are matters. Profound, are we. Really, I really mean that.

When the waters come in, what is tall will fall.

Some days, you just ain’t winnin’. Some days you’re the bully and somedays you’re the victim; but usually you’re just some guy out in his backyard, trying to

Symbolizes such a huge part of life for me. Good things, and great. It’s on the soundtrack of Who I Am. (The other song is ‘On The Turning Away’. *Caw**!!Caw~**!!Caw~**~!!

Good Art is worth making, Jen” That’s what my guardian angel told me. We, in life, carve our knives through the body of the Ocean. We weep. I am an artist. I am a mystery writer.

Understanding is not the same as knowing. There are many schools. Higher schools. It’s a serious time. Some types of times last years. Many of them do.

A client brought me a huge slice of chocolate cake from BLUEBERRY HILL! The memory of being outside, facing east at pre-dawn. Watching the magical-blue sky of the Unicorn Dawn. The stars, the planets Venus and Mars. Empty desert lots that were turning the sharp corner of going from nothing-really’s to becoming extremely valuable. Before Walmart was everywhere and all hope was lost.

I feel like I should go back and delete at least half of this post here; but I don’t want to edit. I just don’t. They can’t all be gems. I may have to let some fields grow wild and be full of repetative daisies. Shitty, obvious daisies.

Everyone should have a church inside them that worships their rainbow self. I know I’ve got one, and I know it makes me batshit insane, but it also makes me very special, even if no one can or will ever see it; BUT, but, everyone relates to this. They know at the core how special they are – that’s part of why a lot of adults hate a lot of children, you know? Anyway, everyone – every fucking one of us, of them – is just as golden. At the core we are all lonely and that makes us a little sad, but there is a cure for that: it is Self-love and love of the Other.

Not getting high isn’t working out.

But I’m having a good, good life. A very good, interesting, sometimes fun, sometimes shitty life. It’s all good, even when it’s bad.

The Privilege of Being Raised Elsewhere

We see these animalistic liars – I do. I, myself and others, too. What good is an interesting character without the observation of the Other? How do we see ourselves, but as the object of another?

I made myself go swimming (fear of going there alone), and it was quick and lovely. I swam back and forth, with my eyes closed to keep out the light. Listening to the waters around me, being moved by me. After the pool, I got into the hot tub. Wondered if anyone was watching me from above. Didn’t care. Let them observe. Let them use me however they’d like to from behind the darkness of day-glass. I took a cold shower and rinsed my hair at the outside shower, taking the elastic band out, the clip, too, that held it all close. Long, wet and black, like a seal’s back, I imagined it looked from away. My eyeliner and mascara unflatteringly muddied under my eyes. I went home and rubbed Rosehip oil into my face. My skin feels good. Cool to the touch, my whole body. My damp hair. Freckles a little darker now, and plentiful.

The Space Between

Time doesn’t really pass quickly, ever. It’s just that there’s not enough of it. We have points in time where we can feel the potential for small worlds lose all likelihood and we lose, grieve and move on. Just shit people – all people – live through daily; go through all the time.

I want to paint a yellow daisy.

The person who pays me is a person who is on the edge of Chaos. Very interesting. I think it would be good to go into a very philosophical stage of thinking in everyday life for a while. If I were in a part of a cycle, I would place myself at a time in my life when I was into Klimt; Jung; cornmeal crust pizzas with feta, no red sauce. That time lasted a couple of years and I enjoyed a lot of what I read and listened to. That was about 2011-2013, I think.

This is what I should be listening to ONLY for the next month. Over and over again should I listen to this.

There is a better, smarter person buried within me; in the darkness of myself.

You can’t judge people by what they are wearing. “Identify and question your assumptions”. (The guy in the video).

Yes, he looks a little douchy, but what he says after the TedTalkese he’s speaking, is very interesting philosophically. I didn’t watch it all. I only liked parts. Why am I sharing this with the world? Oh, it’s because I’m not. This is a strangely personal place, this blog, here sometimes.

Perception really is everything. It’s why so many people try to control other’s through how it is they are perceived. And fine, that works for low-level thinking Some, but there are some out there who know that the world is different than the way it really is. Some are reactors who

Bruce Soord – Willow Tree

We describe the struggle of being apart from (whatever) using whatever means necessary. There exist so many options for carrying out emotional expressions. We fucking murder each other to get an idea of what our experiences are like.

This is the only song that makes me feel good about the ache of my loss=

You lose everything but You. Better see to it that you like You.

I really like myself of late. I really do.

Some people play basebal and murder people; and some people become artists, holding in great expressions and carbonizing them all. Self-cannibal. Anyone ever have the urge to eat themself?

Am I the asshole? No, it’s the name of my new favorite r/

You are the alpha and the omega. The mouth and the asshole. Congratulations, human. Now go along and play. Madness. I do like it, though. Pretty much I do. Btw, I’m really loving my relationships with my co-workers. I like helping the clients, but I love my co-workers and truly I am well-loved in return. They know I love them. They can feel it. They love being loved in return. We all do. But for some (not me), it’s “safety first”.

Enjoying the music this evening, after work. Adam, making chicken in the iron skillet to mix with greek herbs and spices and then pears and feta and kalamata olives. He cleaned up the balcony. Moved the rainbow chimes in to the middle, between the ferns (springerei)

I wish I had some art to post, but right now I’m using words, mostly only words and in a looser, possibly nothing to worry about sort of way is it being expressed. Remember that pale, pale green that was huge for a couple years? I did really like that color even though I’ll bet it made a lot of people sick. That kind of green I once would have defended to its death; BUT, nowadays I know that it is right in someone else’s mind what is good and right and pure.

Immortal Poodle

“The mystery is solved by living it” – Heather Phillipson

I am in a place that is a place of Transition. It’s an odd time. I’m really quite peaceful for the most part about the whole thing.

Story Time:

A naked woman came out of the vortex that is the huge vacant desert lot across the street. Across 7 lanes of traffic (is it really 7? I’m not sure. At least 2 lanes for traffic; a middle lane with the yellow dots all up and down it; and the two breakdown lanes on either side – yeah, 7). She was teetering on her tippy-toes the way a toddler does, but with the occasional roll to the side of the feet like a middle-aged woman with small breasts and large Klimt hips does, over the hot, rocky, garbage-blonde ground. As quickly as she could.

“We got another one!” cried Amy, changing her gaze from the nude lady to me.

We watched her for a bit, wondering at first if it was a man or a woman (“duh, so fucking obviously a woman, you idiots”, thought I). Oh, yes, it is a woman! they finally said, in unison. Here she came, a final wobble-leap to the flat, pale grey sidewalk of Tropicana Avenue.

Banerjee Animal Hospital

“I actually have quite a nice wardrobe,” said the starved, dehydrated, and golden-roasted skinned woman. “And many nice bags and shoes to go with,” she added. Twanna and I each attending to her like Mary(s) to Jesus – Twanna pulling the top of the scrub set the rest of the way down the stranger’s back; I, tying the last shoe from the pair I found in the ex-employee refuse pile, on to her foot. They fit perfectly!

Some of us were vampires, some of us werewolves; some of us were humans who were aware of the mage-operated powerplant across the street, in the desert, the desert that was a vortex. An intergalactic, space-port-for-ghosts hub.

We all lived close by, us 11 employees under Dr. Banerjee. We were like a family there. Shifts began and ended, but it was like we never actually went home – only disappeared and reappeared hours later when scheduled. Our consciousnesses were somehow bound together. Yes, we had our own lives – I know I had mine, but that place had so much life, unlife, and deadly attraction (probably in part from the attractive power wafting out of the vortex) that we all were drawn back, day after day.


I’ve had my break through, and I want back in the boat. I want to sail on in to Fall and Winter. I’m done with Summer. It always takes too long and I need my hikes and to go for neighborhood walks.

My Read From Yest

Sometimes it’s good to clean up and put everything away. It’s good for a fresh start and space and freedom in a fresh world where you are not controlled by not-so-fresh, older things. Let go, be free, and have fun.

Reversed Hanged Man Meaning

The reversal meaning of the Hanged Man card represents a very specific period of time during which you feel as if you are sacrificing a significant amount of time while getting nothing in return. You might have felt as if certain things are at a state of an absolute standstill without any particular resolution or movement. It’s as if you are putting your entire effort and attention into something but nothing turns out as it should.

Upright Page of Cups Meaning

One of the most important meanings within the Page of Cups is that you should be open to new ideas, especially ones that stem from intuitive inspiration. The card seems to state that such inspiration should be embraced, despite it being something that you may not expect. It could lead you to adventure and open many doors. If it is a calling of a creative nature, for example, one to get into music or art, there’s an especially strong push from this card to go for it.

When you are being faced by difficult situations, and you have stopped chasing your dreams, the Page of Cups seems to say that you that you should tackle the issue from a totally different perspective. It symbolizes persistence as this is the only way that you can make your dreams come true. Listen to your intuition, follow your calling, and believe everything is possible.

Adam got him two cat-grasses and planted them in the ceramic pots out there on the balcony.

The Vulture

Frank K.’s over the house tonight to play with the game-group. (“It’s not necessarily the games you all come together for like you all used to. I think you’re here for the game, yes; but it could be any game. It could be Uno. You all come here for the vibe. You all come here to ride the same vibe and at the same time with each other, ” I said to Adam. “…Yes.” He agreed, after a pause of thoughtful consideration of my idea.

Oh, anyway, Frank passed by going to the kitchen. I was sitting at my desk, putting my Susan Seddon Boulet (artist) totem-animal cards away; putting all the things away as a symbolic and very needed conjuring of a Fresh Start. He said, “How are you, Jen?”, to which I said, “I’m very good, I’ve been very good”, (and I thoughtfully considered myself what I’d just said and decided it could be true, so I allowed it).

The Sun

In the Past position

The Sun

A card in the left position indicates what has happened to affect your question in the past.

Meaning: Triumph, success, and security. Growth, well-being, and nourishment. Solutions, faith, and glory. Sincerity in love. Play, vacation, and enjoying the blessings in life without analysis. Being present in the moment. Rejuvenation. Childlike innocence and playful manner. Youth. Trust. Blossoming. Thriving. Enjoying the pleasures of nature. Bounty after trials. Masculine, sexual energy. Summer love, country romance. Bright, warm days. Learning new skills through play. Thanksgiving. Birth of a child. Fame.

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Seven of Swords

In the Present position

Seven of Swords

A card in the middle position indicates what is affecting your question at this time.

Meaning: Resignation. Acceptance. Limited success. Releasing of the old renews the spirit. Rejecting outside expectations for an individually fashioned lifestyle. End of an ordeal. Negotiations. Independent thinking. Confidence. Release from the grip of material questing for higher pursuits.

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The World

In the Future position

The World

A card in the right position indicates your questions future.

Meaning: Ascension. Opening to a higher dimension. Culmination and synthesis. Enlightenment. Attaining a broader view of life. Moving beyond the personal to become aware of the interconnected nature of life. Harmony and perfection. Peace and freedom of thought. Inspiration and comprehension. Ecstasy. Glimpses, however brief, of the great mysteries of life. Being able to appreciate the larger scene or patterns in life. Faith. Epiphany. A heightened sense of being alive. Purpose. Confidence. Completion. Enjoying life and anticipating its curves. Unencumbered by the trivial. Being in control of one¹s fate. Intelligence. Independence. Determination and stability. Strength and enthusiasm. Intuition and spiritual heights. Crowning achievement. Reward and promotion. Graduation. Lasting happiness. As the last of the major arcana, the Universe represents the height of a progression. The Universe card is associated with the four evangelists, Matthew, Luke, Mark, and John, who in turn are equated with incarnation, passion, resurrection, and ascension, respectively.


I need a shroom trip, soon. But I have to do some things first, to bring me to a place of calm comfort. What are those things? Can I honestly answer that question?

Yes, I need the dream-filled slumber of the Hotel Bridge Between Worlds.

I miss loving you. I don’t love you anymore. If this isn’t love, then what is it? And why do I call it valuable, or not? Oh, blog, my blog, I miss something only something so novel and extremely interesting could replace. Where, in this desert, am I to find something extremely interesting? I’m bored of going inward! I want to go out.

I fear the kind client. Why? I am the kind client.

This song is surpringly one of the best of the whole summer. It really connects me to a peaceful, full of life and learning kind of feeling. It makes me feel feminine, too, in a natural purish kind of way:

I am so fucking sick of this summer, I could just shit. I NEEEEEEED to get the fuck out for my walks in the desert and in to the fucking mountains. Day Trips!!! Dayyyyy triiiiiips…I love day-trips. I should look into some things within 3 hrs of here. I need everyone who’s going to die of COVID to just fucking die, please. America fucking failed the fuck up. Bad and dumb people have taken over the majority. It’s like, at 50 fucking percent.

This really is the end.

My To-Do List For Fall (Positive Focus)

I want to paint little paintings and leave them in the woods (placed not too well-hidden, so as not to be too oft unfound).

Stretch my stressed and stiff body with looooots of stretching, and every day! Damnit, shit. I’m stiff.

Go hiiiiiking again. Walking again. Every night; everywhere; every possible day. In the desert, it connects me with Earth & With God. The wind takes my messages to Heaven instantly, and I get answers returned almost immediately.

Oh Fall, I cannot wait for you, yet I must.

Keeping this kind of music in in the house playing (probably especially after work and in the mornings) is very, very good for my healing, reknitting my strong and true connections to life and to “source” or whatever It Really Is (some kind of beautiful…creation that we can “see” and “feel”. We are focused, pure consciousness.

Going to get rid of my old scarves and gloves and go buy a bunch of new, lusciously Fall-colored things. Where does one buy richly colored, beautiful things anymore? Maybe I’ll have to start shopping where the rich shop and hate myself for it. Is it alright to be happy while others suffer? Yes, yes it is alright. Besides, we are all on emotional centers that fly out yet circle back like wacko solar systems on wooden spin-tops. Anyway, that’s us. It is true that for anyone,

Ooh, it’s going to be Christmas time. We will put lights up and have (maybe) some cheerful get-togethers. Maybe I will have some Open House Get-High Saturdays.

Still, many weeks of Summer left.

I should be eating only fish and tons of fish. With italian dressing. And a few green lettuce leaves and I’d be eating perfectly for my needs.

Ok, I think that’s enough for now. Somehow, this felt good to get out of me and put here, right outside my door. Closing it now, I go back inside.

Good night.

Going through a drawer and came across it right when I needed to see it. Reminded!

The Anxiety of Leaving

Even if just for the summer. I cannot believe the level of anxiety I feel, just from parting from this place, even for my own good, my own betterment – and even so, only temporarily. I have the anxiety…like an addiction. I feel very bad about it. I feel like I have gotten on a bus, to go far away (too far to walk), and am at the mercy of others. Such a strange development. I am deeply surprised and have a sense of having lost control. Its tie to here, this, my writings and pictures place is obvious. This place I put things that have nowhere else to go and are only expressed in this way – this place has become a home of mine. Home of mind.

I chose very recently to quit smoking pot so I could be hyper-aware and be able to focus on things that require different parts of my brain to focus and come forward and do work, and it was a good idea, for sure it was correct, but jesus christ. It’s intense enough of a fucking big deal that I want to mark it in time – here – so that I can see where this goes with the evidence to stir memory in future when everything will probably be totally different.

I dunno. What a helpless freakshow I feel like right now. I will settle, and I want to see how that happens, but I don’t like this feeling AT ALL and I hope it goes away very soon for fuck’s sake.

I need wisdom, power and peace. Why oh why did I lift up my anchor?

I appreciate that we all simply MUST go through these weird and scary places. We have to go to the dentist and be willingly vulnerable and at the mercy of people and places, but over time, we do these things because we know we need to and because our tomorrow-selves depend on us to do the right things, as soon as possible.

I have to keep…I have to make that breakthrough. I have to get out the paint. I want to see that dark indigo night surrounding my illustrated spirit. The animals that are my totem. The music that is a sacred place echoing from the underground inside me. I’m struggling. I appreciate that it isn’t special to struggle. I’m soon going to be grateful for the deepening my suffering will create. Like the force of water, the deluge from above, I am deepened in parts of me that will remain to refresh me daily and nurture the parts of my world – above and below – and enable me to be a place in this world. A walking breathing darkness where others can benefit and find a shadowy respite in an overly saturated, overly lit, loudly advertised world.

This helped bring me down.