Too Beautiful For Words

I cannot express my experience as well as I’d like. It wouldn’t matter if it did not matter that I express it. It is painful not to sound out, in symbol, what it is that this all means to me or feels like.

For me, it is a complicated, scary, confusing thing with moments of incredible joy at connecting and something really helping people heal in a way that is magical and unbelievable, yet totally real and deeply, soulfully felt. But, like the stages of grief, none are ever really forever gone just through the experience of them. they come up in waves and throughout all seasons and all the years. Repeating both in joy and terror. That’s really what it feels like for me. Being alive and spiritually practicing is very hard for me. Pain really throws me off my game – and yet it is the game.

Look what I got for my (early) birthday present:

It’s magnificent, and I love it so.
it is rather large, or rather it has quite an impressive and substantial feel and looks to it.
Hee hee, he had me go on a little scavenger hunt for it. It was so cute and fun.

It is painful not to be heard or felt all the time. Overly connected to it all and a lot of that has to do with the interference of my thinking, my personal reasoning. “What’s the fun if you can’t share what you’ve found” (from some Low Roar song – can’t recall which one, which is so stupid to love something but to not be able to explain why because what is nameless having a name for its parts be unknown and requiring full invention to perform or convey). Confusing, I know. My heart absolutely aches, like a stroke victime whose visions have not betrayed him, but his mouth has.

It feels like a betrayal for me to just let this go. Like, it would be immoral to cut this part of me off and out. Like it is more than just me in here. And I know I suffer for it and shall continue to suffer from it. I purposely and with intention, hang on here. Maybe it is just because I don’t want to be somebody else just yet.

until then, I stay on these roads.

Look at this plant! It’s so amazing!! P.S. There are 4 different kinds of chairs and 3 kinds of tables in this interior. That room…When that room is in order, I know I’ve made it to a major milestone in my internal life. I’m working on it.

Sunday Edit: I dreamed we were playing a game with a group of friends (and loved ones). In a place that was familiar, but not “home” to me, yet I felt safe-enough. Anyhow, you were there, and in your presence, I just could not stop myself from my own tender feelings toward you. I leaned in and with such gentleness we kissed. I said softly, “I love you.” To my humble delight, you gently said, “I love you, too.”

Due to the game mechanics, a live-action type of thing, it could not be that I would ever be next to you. To my surprise you made it happen anyway, though it caused for a scary, dangerous drive where you had the wheel but not the brakes or gas. Somehow, through that magic that is your talent, we sailed with wicked speed down the highway crowded with traffic and construction, weaving in and out of the breakdown lane.

My whole day is colored with this dream, and I am convinced it has connected me to feeling more loved in this world.

Today is the day, coincidentally, that the Ashes are turning golden. I have a lot of peace as the doves circle above in a blue sky on a warm fall day; protected by a shroud of leaves, my cat and my man and I lazing about. But in this dream I have returned, profoundly moved and stirred as gently as I was when I was asleep and with you. Hoping it was a visitation and somehow a peaceful bridge has been crossed by us both, having mutual understanding and peace simultaneously.

A shared experience and mutual awareness. Lost treasure.

Author: Jen Crow

©Jen Crow. Be sure to ask for permission to use my artwork or photos. I warmly welcome comments and questions.

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