Listening to last Autumn’s music, and its calmed me and comforted me in its beauty. I thought wrongly that it would be sad or scary to hear, but I had a way of comforting myself last Autumn that was beautiful and pure. I made a point to meet myself every day at dawn and light a candle or two in that beautiful pinkish gold light and that unicorn-dream blue of a pre-sun sky. Coffee in hand. Music soft and holding, playing lightly so as to not wake the sleeping souls.

Repeating both in joy and terror. That’s really what time feels like for me. Being alive and spiritually practicing is very hard for me. Pain really throws me off my game – and yet it is the game.

This is hell, but we can leave it. It takes time, and seemingly we can only spiral up to get out of it. There is no direct route out of here.

Today Kate told me of two good deeds she did to be a light in the world – which super-cheered me up right into the best kind of laughs and happiness: First, she picked up a fucking hitchhiker in the pouring rain in the kind of place STEPHEN KING WOULD LITERALLY WRITE ABOUT. And then, she really praised this young guy at a Starbucks for making a new drink and she knew it made his day (I’ll bet it did! 🙂 So cute, I love stuff like that.

I feel happy and hopeful about tomorrow. An outlook I gained from listening to what I thought were last year’s sad songs, and my beloved ones. They are just markers of how beautiful my life really is. Beautiful and lucky, often.

I don’t actually recommend this version. But this song, right now, full-circle. Feeling ok, and safe and fancy-fucking fine about the horrors of this beautiful life.

You know what I did today while eating glass for lunch in my car at work? I drew a little sketch in my sketchbook. It was very…good. Peaceful, I was at peace.

Author: Jen Crow

©Jen Crow. Be sure to ask for permission to use my artwork or photos. I warmly welcome comments and questions.

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