In The Course of Two Hours

This is what is good for me. This is what I need to do:

This is madness. But it speaks to you, and so you respond because it is you who does the speaking and so you act on no one’s orders but your own. You are responsible for your feelings. Whatever good you give to whomever – fine. We must suck it up – the butter-cup. We must drink deeply, for long and hard are the continuing journeys. Each one, a history inside me is building. Each act of ridiculous life. What a sham. What a scam. But I love it because it is my Everything, and I am the creator of it. I am the unicorn. I am the prize.

To be by myself. Alone. Needed, like the perfect walk on the perfect day. Such made-up fantasy lives we live. We’re all fucking nuts from our weirdo-mix of unsanitary primate, culturally car-jacked by to grow into being complete and total dumbasses. We’re barely past apes. We ARE apes.

I don’t mean to sound too negative. I’m not that down on it all the time. Sometimes I know the pleasures. Probably most of the time. I just get really addicted to – the romanticizing of my…the…god. Hard to explain rn.

The younger people have twice as much space for drama in their lives than we did. I think that’s a fact. And its fucking crazy-source.

One becomes a victim of one’s own personality along the way (maybe the whole way), but in ways we choose. how can it be a choice if it is unconscious? Good question. How could it be? No one knows the answer.

I need to let some anger bubble out of me more regularly. How to do that? Probably to…I dunno. Maybe just more of things that are good? Why do emotions have to parallel each other so, in order to keep us (ourselves) healthy?

All my words, diving like a . Stuck. Well.

Short lives lived in beautiful houses.

Temperance

In the Past position

Temperance

A card in the left position indicates what has happened to affect your question in the past.

Meaning: Seeing the extraordinary in the ordinary. Exquisite balance. A period of re-birth. Slow down and view the world with fresh, magical perspective. Trust your intuition.

Justice

In the Present position

Justice

A card in the middle position indicates what is affecting your question at this time.

Meaning: The principle of consequences. You reap what you sow. Reclaim your power. Take an honest inventory of your life; acknowledge your successes and defeats.

Six of Pentacles

In the Future position

Six of Pentacles

A card in the right position indicates your questions future.

Meaning: Step into the natural flow of abundance. The custodian of resources, philanthropy. Generously offer life your best and deliver a worthwhile vision.

Balance (A Force of Will)

A Witch. i WANT to draw a panther.

Put on the timer and sat down to draw, by force of will. I loved it. It must be a daily thing. The timer, the forced sit-down. I turned something that already existed into something better and it filled my body with delight. My hands feel good. The light is brighter. It was also important that I put on calming music (the spa/new-age type that really calms and invites light).

What was so good about the picturesque farm life is the balance of cozy structure compared to the outside wilderness; The handmade sweetness and depth – compared to, but including – the wondrously industrial and valuable.

It’s not a lot, this post. I know. But I want to put it out here and let it go.

PLEASE, PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS SONG:

God, so gorgeous. The strings!!! It isn’t a sad song, either. ❤ Just love.
Going back in time. Such a great song. Heard it on the soundtrack to a new show we’re watching and I love: Brand New Cherry Flavor

Sweet songs bring me back to soft selves. Where our gazes met and we admired the same things. Whatever is in front of us, well, we are lead there – we follow. But as we go, we pink pick roses and yellow wildflowers, to carry with us for a while – as a symbol of beauty reflected by life and by living.

Glorious, glorious Fall weather. My spirit is so close to the Earth and light is so very crystal.

lol!

Yes

It’s over. The summer is over. It was hot in its typical ruin-your-walks sort of way yet nothing bad happened. Can you even judge a life by a season within it? No, nor can you judge yourself for some part of you.

Where joy should reign
These skies restrain

A succulent that left his terracotta pot. The kids housesitting found it, and put it in a wine bottle, seeing that I had a lot of them about the front rooms, they made this. Sweet Amina left me a note, telling me the tale. So sweet. A wonderful couple of kids. They loved my witchy house and that makes me so happy.

We have no idea if succulents can survive so much direct water. Maybe they totally can. We’re about to find out!

Good night, evildoers.

Water & Light

I sketched this on my phone on the flight home. I’d love to turn it into a painting. I love that the figure doesn’t just look like she’s glowing, but that she’s made of light, and is enjoying the physical world. I would keep it looking just like this, but it would be a physical thing.

We are made of water and light, and stardust.

We feel so much pain, and so much of the time. Our bodies ache or itch or long-for. We are injured and sometimes crippled by consequence of living.

I dread the idea of reincarnation. From the first loose tooth of childhood; broken bones; influenzas; food poisonings…we suffer a lot. The suffering never really ends. There’s always something. Yet, there is glorious beauty and fellowship and feeling-states that make it delicious and sensational. Sharing good things. Being felt by, wanted by, and resonating with others. Etc.

My point: just like Satan said once in a movie, I’d like to live deliciously.

I am on the inside, banging on doors that are my own to open and answer.

But oh how I wish you were here. ❤

***

In other news, these personalities I have at the workplace are overwhelming me. I need to understand that I am not responsible for their outcomes. But I don’t want to be a bitch, either. I can choose to be a bitch or be at a place of progress in whateverwaypossible. Being in the place after a place of power is very difficult and scary for me. I get insecure about my abilities vs my arrogance. I want to be good because when I am good, I feel amazing because I feel whole.

I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I’d rather die. I need more fun. More.

Where is love’s gaze at the end? At the end it is in the mirror. Love cannot exist without The Other.

The Beauty of Gifts

I have:

Given To Others

And Received.

IT is now my favorite season. I have new crystals from Salem, days of pilgrims and life-or-death harvests, when men relied on co-operation.

I exist to have as expansive a life as possible. Death will come, with or without you trying or seeking to avoid what one longs for.

There was a body, but there was no murder. Time is rolled up there, in the wet vastness of the Atlantic. I can feel it. I can feel all the way to England.

I side-stepped time. While away in Maine. I am being serious and do not mean this in as the way of a metaphor.

I bought a beautiful purple and black mug from the satanic gift shop! One of my favorite new things ever!
Music bridges time and is a force of good and never evil. All music is natural. I guess all evil is natural, too and no one ever says, “aww, why don’t you guys ever give evil a break, man?.” And you know, we should listen.

Since I write so much, my punctuation

A whole bunch of faces on the wall. That’s what freaks out a lot of people. Any arrangement of that, and you’re fucked for gentle ambiance.

I was gone, in one form or another, for 7 days.

My psyche was unfolded, effortlessly. It has a lot of history I can read because on a primal level, I am cured of my discomfort of physical living, and so I can interact more surface-level rather than belowishness. It doesn’t bog down my bones. It lifts me with its luxurious Atlantic winds. It is utterly romantic (can I say that to mean non-sexual, but it a way that makes one romantic for the subject: objectified. It gives me the energy to walk for miles through the woods, looking for wolves; followed by foxes and crows, but the crows only want to know where I go, they don’t expect they’ll get a chance at feeding from my uninhabited body any time soon.

Frightening me into life and away from sleeping, things are perpetually unfolding through the dark and into my experience.

It’s hard for me to write this all day; for I am obliterated on thc. I don’t know if the percentage of thc really matters for me. It is almost 60% thc (not to be confused with thicc).

I felt like the east was fully populated by the middle-aged. And I liked that. They were utterly respectable people. People who knew the fine are of “let us mutally agree to fuck off from each other, eh? And I liked that. (My hosts were incredible, and they say they made it happen, all this mystery-fear-deliciousness during this bizarrely thin-veiled time of nearest-dimensions.

I really loved the people, and it felt like the very best parts of Northern California or Oregon (but probably more Washington-like, though I have never been there).

Healthy looking old people. Which I could and hope to be. I have to realize two very true things: I have a good chance of being a happy and healthy old person BUT I HAVE TO DO THE THINGS if I want that to be my outcome. So, it’s not an option anymore, and that is scary. I have to take action – and I, my god knows, I am a fucking procrastinating bitch.

I drew some things on a mobile app, on my good paper, and

Listen to this, please; it is really special.

I read a little bit about Chet Baker, and his is an interesting story.

Am I a very bad person? Do I do my good deeds because I’m trying to balance out my ogrishness?

This is a totally wonderful work of art (song and video/performance)

I went in to a bar, and I could not look anyone in the eye. I looked down, and hid behind the people I was with. Why? Because I am not comfortable when I am not alone.

More later. This could take me the rest of the year.