A Note From Earlier This Year After A Trip. It’s better than I remember (woke from the dream and now discerning its meaning. As crazy at it may seem, anything and everything we can interpret from the Nightmare/Dreaming
When you find the gold, you know you’ve found the end. This reward ends this adventure and you will enjoy the spoils for quite some time afterward, but it is the end of the adventure. The adventure turns into thought upon the fortune. Doors walked through and closed behind. Transformed are we, into a monarchy of pride over our achievements; claims of rights and revolution always the way of overriding excess and imbalance.
Sometimes I do have control over our underworlds.
Today Was Magical. I mean, really it was. Captain saw the spirits – I could NOT believe his body language. He meowed at me like, “I am asking you a fucking question (with shock, wonder, fear and awe). What is going on here?” and unwilling to leave until demands of an answer met, he locked his eyes with mine. He looked incredibly concerned. He came up to my side, meowed again. Again, the urgency for my response. I said, “It’s ok Captain. They are invited guests. I want them to be here”. He looked at the beings (or lights, or geometic glows experienced only through cat-vision…perhaps we won’t know for a thousand years).
Your heart is like a magical animal in a cage. It must be fed, or it will die. If you neglect to feed it and it dies,
Like a prisoner coming back to the unit after a glorious visitation do I exit my door, out in to the world, each morn).
Clarity is so important that it makes people cry sometimes when they receive it. I would like to cry. I would like to cry hard.
I feel tired. I feel needy. Oh god, how long is this going to go on?
So don’t push it. Try – no, really try – to be positive in life. Try to see the beauty in others even when you’re sick from the sweet and syrupy doses. Sick from routine and regularity. Sick from predictability. The magnificent few being out-shined by the bright lights of monster trucks. The struggle to talk over the inane as someone passes by who is smart and sane.
I have a lot of really shitty things to say, and I want to say them. But I believe so strongly in my responsibility as a force, not just of ego but of Light, that I really have to stop myself here and choose goodness over badness; choose the light over the dark – it’s better, its stronger, it’s bigger, it is more-than.
We exist (in space). Our bodies are peripherals connected to our programming, connected to our hardware, connected to electricity, connected to a Power Station. The creator of the Power Station is The User. (This is one way of describing what it is we are, are a part of, and how we are related and connected to it – and maybe shows how we can better communicate with it.
All anything is is relation and connection. There aren’t any other things, are there? Obliteration isn’t a thing. It can only describe a past, even a past being described in the future, and the future doesn’t exist, so…or does it. I really don’t know anything of value. My life is a wasteland and I wish I were dead, but someone just said “depression is when you really really need to let go and rest”. That sounds so right and good. I need to get away from the sources of agony: the news, the routines, the paying-attention-to of idiots.
What a fucking year.
I really need this vacation, this change-up. I want to feel safe and wanted. I’m too old to care about so much shit and be so ruled by my feelings. Is it too late to change? I hope to see that I can be flooded and washed clean by new experiences (rooted tightly in the safe personalities of other animals like myself). Oh god, humanity, humanity. Holy shit is it bonkers rn. wtf mf’s? wtf.