Even if just for the summer. I cannot believe the level of anxiety I feel, just from parting from this place, even for my own good, my own betterment – and even so, only temporarily. I have the anxiety…like an addiction. I feel very bad about it. I feel like I have gotten on a bus, to go far away (too far to walk), and am at the mercy of others. Such a strange development. I am deeply surprised and have a sense of having lost control. Its tie to here, this, my writings and pictures place is obvious. This place I put things that have nowhere else to go and are only expressed in this way – this place has become a home of mine. Home of mind.
I chose very recently to quit smoking pot so I could be hyper-aware and be able to focus on things that require different parts of my brain to focus and come forward and do work, and it was a good idea, for sure it was correct, but jesus christ. It’s intense enough of a fucking big deal that I want to mark it in time – here – so that I can see where this goes with the evidence to stir memory in future when everything will probably be totally different.
I dunno. What a helpless freakshow I feel like right now. I will settle, and I want to see how that happens, but I don’t like this feeling AT ALL and I hope it goes away very soon for fuck’s sake.
I need wisdom, power and peace. Why oh why did I lift up my anchor?
I appreciate that we all simply MUST go through these weird and scary places. We have to go to the dentist and be willingly vulnerable and at the mercy of people and places, but over time, we do these things because we know we need to and because our tomorrow-selves depend on us to do the right things, as soon as possible.
I have to keep…I have to make that breakthrough. I have to get out the paint. I want to see that dark indigo night surrounding my illustrated spirit. The animals that are my totem. The music that is a sacred place echoing from the underground inside me. I’m struggling. I appreciate that it isn’t special to struggle. I’m soon going to be grateful for the deepening my suffering will create. Like the force of water, the deluge from above, I am deepened in parts of me that will remain to refresh me daily and nurture the parts of my world – above and below – and enable me to be a place in this world. A walking breathing darkness where others can benefit and find a shadowy respite in an overly saturated, overly lit, loudly advertised world.