Lay atop and be floated by it. Fall asleep and be created by it. You will never lose awareness, and that is what is really feared, truly. Am I not right. Of course I am.
The MUGS…the mugs, in them I saw innocent color and symbolism, divinely intuited by us in our meaty kaleidoscope world…it came back to me, so joyfully, too! I hadn’t experienced it in years. Such a simple, fun, wonderful catalyst!
I did do the shrooms. It was incredibly traumatic. I was worried I wouldn’t quite mentally heal from it. Boy, was it something. I am already moved past its “negative” experiences (holy fucking shit, i was in an endless fountain of recurring problems. Hell is: Never changing the subject. The seriousness of moving through everything; letting go; giving up and accepting death and defeat). Very interesting. Holy shit. I did not expect AT ALL for the experience to be anything other than a pleasant sensory experience with wonderful tripping and conversation with the Other Worlds. I wouldn’t willy-nilly recommend shrooms to anyone just for shits and giggles. I wouldn’t. But then again, I surely would. I guess we’re all related to everyone else’s traumas anyway. And, I remember laughing as often as I was sobbing, over and over again at how funny the whole thing was, trauma and all. It was scary, but a long while after, I had somehow grown magnificently. Am wisened up to my age. I felt like I can endure quite a bit, just as long as I remember to surrender to it. It was fucking crazy. Holy. Thank god I can’t remember the endless details. One thing is for sure: we perpetuate our own hells. I know that now, without a doubt.
I will never understand. 🙂 It’s stupid and hysterical. My negative voice; my positive voice; all the voices in-between. Life is truly and really Madness. How to blame anyone for anything at all? We are all choosing the most reasonably ideal and accessible reality for ourselves at all times. Some of us are luckier than ever, but there are also endless facets and considerations that leave such ideas – hence, “realities” – in the dirt. In the dust of what once was. And the dust goes into the earth and meets up with the roots that then draw them in, drawing them up and into creation; to be born again as New Leaf in a new dawning of Life = Experience and Expression (and that is what I can best describe “God” or the “As Much As Possible”
I don’t know if I am a hero, or if I should kill myself, but life is pointless, and marvelous and whether to our horror or delight, is also Endless/ness. (Wow. I have sorrow for us all. Pointless, I know. Oh wave of dark shadows, the stuff of vampires. I feed off of you, fearing Death, yet wishing to die).
As best as you can describe a thing (an expression of Nature/the nature of something): that is the goal of One’s art. That’s good, that’s informative, Jen. Take that one to heart. Write it down somewhere.
Music is transendent of all other life because it is vibrational, not the physical effects like wiggling bodily and it being a physiological sense, but that it literally moves the light inside us to an arrangement we can and do attune to. We can experience a kind of bodily-mental theatre within ourselves – AND we can grow from it. Isn’t that amazing? It has to be true.
There was definitely a time in my life that this would not have resonated with me, but I love to reflect upon myself inside it.
Someday what I want to make: A gesture of the most connected kind of Love (that also illustrates that we are separation upon separation, all of us here, every day). Very beautiful and something beautiful inside of existence but outside of Human experience. Something not bright, but full of light. Some expression of my repulsion and rusted worship of Life. Of this existence as a god in a prison; a beloved child shackled to a verdant paradise.
My plan is to experience life as best I can, enjoy it as best I can. Road trips, good food, lots of walking. Music, of course. Doing what I can for people I run into, when I am able. Floating on Life, letting go of being something special or having to do anything special.
June 1, 2021 The Trip (It Was Wonderful)
Two things about the visit that just leapt out at me (an epiphany delivered through symbolism): The birds, so happy and full of life, all around me; the flock of geese, a large family, moving along, going forward; the duck and the ducklings, crossing the road, making it safely to the other side; the quail that came in front of the car and thankfully safely maneuvered around; the feather at the foot of the bush just outside my parents door as we said good-bye. In it all, I had a sense of true beauty of life; something directly connected to the most acid-dose kind of connected Love. Something good and great; meaningful and precious; beneficial to all involved that will ripple out through them and into the world. It was incredibly interesting.
People come in to work every (I mean EVERY) day and tell me about someone they lost to Death. It is crazy, man. It isn’t covid. Something has changed in people and something is changed in me. I am positive this is not normal and hasn’t happened to me before. I am positive this does not happen to my coworkers like this happens with me. I am pulling this in, and it is a privilege to be able to be of service to other people. I shit you not, I don’t even do anything; I’m just open to it. I just open a kind of portal ( I do not know how to better describe this, maybe other people have other ways of describing the depths of communication…so hard to write about. I feel a bit like I am betraying a secret. I feel misunderstood when I put it into words – especially written words. But I feel like, like this:
I don’t know where life will take me. Not for how long it will take me or to where it will take me, I do not know. But I know I will change somehow, and I, being curious about myself and mylife, will want to be reminded of how it all transpired.
And that is now what this blog is about. Documenting the change (when I feel like it).
Everything’s changed, and it’s changed for the better. It was worth it all along. Nothing is forever. Everything falls apart. Nothing ever ends. Everything goes on. So Strange.