Closing Time

This cat… OMG I love him. He is so wonderful. The only one in the world. The only one in all of space and time.

Inspired by an Artist Date (from the Artist’s Way)I went to the Sound Bath tonight, where I sat under the dark rainbows of the underworld, changing ways between loving and hating myself.

I wish I could’ve gotten a picture of the inside of the meditation room. It the dark, Christmas-like lights draped around the large space. Flags of tie-dye and batik design hanging above as I lay on thick, expensive cushions with cotton covers of Indian design, low on the ground. A white sheet folded on each. The half-circle of colored quartz bowls where the leader strikes lightly with a rod and then runs around the rim of each bowl, creating a tone like one would with a wine glass. The bowls are large, so the tones are powerful and you can really feel them penetrate the waters of the room and bodies within. There were also chimes she, the leader, played here and there. What was truly surprising was when she started singing – it was long into the session when she began, after multiple cycles of the tones being played – her voice was pure, beautiful, unfettered by showmanship. Absolutely magnificent. I sat up at that point, the only one. Not making eye contact, but needing to be upright. I sat and listened. Peeping only when I knew I would not break her spell by making any conscious contact with her. I watched her, and it was fine because she was facing away. Just gorgeous. She is a beautiful, petite woman, with a massive mane of curly hair. Pale grey now, once strawberry-blonde. She sang in a combination of old Indian chanting and mixed into it her own Hebrew words. Casting a spell of healing, and it was true healing because true healing is creating balance. Definitely felt balanced and happier for having been there.

During the sound bath, I let my mind wander. A lot of yellow popped up. Images of certain animals (hummingbird, zebra, others) surrounded in a yellow field. I wonder about that. Asked about the meaning of a prevalence of color after the session and teacher said yellow corresponds with the solar chakra, a place/vibration of control, like foundational security within oneself.

This is from https://www.bemytravelmuse.com/solar-plexus-chakra/:

Affirmations for the solar plexus chakra include (Source is from https://www.bemytravelmuse.com/solar-plexus-chakra/) :

  • I am enough.
  • I have purpose.
  • I know who I am and I live true to myself.
  • I am confident and authentic.
  • I am strong, capable, and powerful.

I do have a lot of new confidence (in part, thanks a lot to my heart and actions I am able to express through my job). I will work on nurturing my power and keeping it centered within.

Leaving the center after the sound bath. I felt so good. Bought a beautiful amethyst crystal as a gift for a friend; and said friend also happened to text me some exciting spiritual stuff of her own to me. So good to share the experiences of our soul’s journeys with each other. So joyful.
I simply adore this.

Boring people are just really into themselves, and there’s nothing wrong with that. What we are is a pure marvel. Our most mundane gestures are rife with historical and miraculous relevence.

***

I am leaving here for a while to go focus on other things.

I have an opportunity to go be, see and do other things – and I really want to. I have an out, mentally speaking, for taking a long-needed break. I really need to focus on what is blooming in life, for the long summer ahead of me. I wish to fill it with as many good experiences and as much good, green, growing as possible. I want what is old and stagnant to be put to rest and let go of. I want to pick up and nurture what is in front of me. I have a whole summer, 3 months, to write in, think in, travel in, play in, create in and dance to.

Here’s to all the magic that awaits us. Have a great summer! See you next year! Here’s to the creativity, adventure and love that await!

The Hummingbird

Focused, sitting, and drawing in Photoshop, while listening to to this and other repeats. Deep, spiritual, funny and sad. That is who I am. It is pathetic and marvelous to be operating this fucking machine. lol, honestly LOL.
A tale of two sisters. One gone mad from the experience, one to forever trudge through the mud of her mind that was forever damaged by the deluge of horror to which she was a witness, and unwilling subject of, to violence.

Something really fucking bad happened to these two sisters who went to Florida, many years ago. People get fucked up by life. Really affected by it for the rest of their lives. I wish I could help them heal, or at least not get any worse. People who were paranoid before must have been utterly fucked up by 2020. This is all serious business, but if I’mma be honest, I have a smile on my face and have the chuckles. I’m scared of who we are and could be. Really shitty, like WWII “go ahead and murder my neighbors” shitty. The potential is real and we control it. Every day. Inside ourselves, our families, one’s culture, our society.

Today was really good. Two, wonderful, professional men helped me with my scariest start-of-something all year. I feel perfectly safe, and that is NOT how I expected to end this day. Not at all. I ended up having the nicest day. Wow. I even went to Target afterward. Picked up a summer’s worth of clinical-strength deodorant (my brand is Secret and it’s fucking great); organic bread; mint Pep’ridge Fahm cookies; Windex (a rare buy – I never seem to run out of it); I was tempted to buy this make-up, basically because it had amazing paper design with gold foil and tiny cat heads in the pattern – …uhh, I lost my point.

***

I find myself feeling angry at people this week. It’s been a long time since I’ve been so bothered by people, socially. I guess it’s just par for being around so many people and so regularly, too. Yuck, I don’t like social challenges, like, I want to become more practiced at patience and being aware of my deeper understandings which tend to bring me peace and calm and openness to joy. But I’m human and I have to go through this shit. It does help me understand people. In fact, I understand how people do not have control of their feelings.

Goodnight Sugar-Dumplin’.
She’s an artist. More spirit than monkey.

Oh how wonderful it has been to have this perfect day. We had coffee on the balcony, we went for a swim, we then went for a hike, on the drive up listening to Front 242 (same freaking morning! it was wonderful), then some groceries, then home.

Days in Spring that are like the hottest of summer. Doesn’t feel right. The forest is dying. We met a rich man who invited us up to his house on the slope. He left a bucket of water under the bridge to help burros who may be seeking water.

It was near perfect up there. A beautiful retreat, and overcast. So many wildflowers, and butterflies. Good, warm pine forest smells.

I feel like I’ve begun a lucky phase. I am so glad.

I got a wise owl at the grocery store to remind me to put my heart and my head in a good space in all the deepest ways I can.

His name is Moonlight.
Hummingbird built his/her nest right in front of our door, on our brass windchime!!

It’s been a wonderful weekend! Wonderful. I watched several great documentaries. I enjoyed good food. I swam. I smelled the forest.

A lady I was kind to came back after she left and handed me this angel painted on a rock and walked out without saying a word. I was deeply touched. I know why she gave it to me, and I am honored by her gift. I want to live up to it, as a kind-hearted person, who wants to help people in transition, to help them move through things, and to heal:

Oh, yeah, and I talked to my dad today. He was at breakfast, with a big group of family at Original Pancake House and he got one of their rare apple pancakes (I guess they sell out quick and only make a certain amount). He sounded so incredibly happy…! So happy!!! Deep down, all around, full of joy was he. I am SO glad…<3

A Feeling I Didn’t Have Today, Toxic Ink Painting Archive

Yesterday:

Today.

Life is too hard for me. I can’t be the only one. Does no one outgrow the pain? The pressure? The fear. The loathing. Las Vegas. I seem to be turning into something else, and I have little control – too much control – but goddamn, none at all. I don’t do anything particularly well at all, except this existence thing. Of that, I am very, very…I can’t believe I am rooted in some kind of reality. To tell myself anything else is a lie. The cost of living on the edge, near the veil, so you can be closer to (or is it look from a higher-up perspective! A “better” perspective means one with more complication, more involvement, but a “truer” reality because it contains more “facts”.

I wish I were better at choosing, focusing, staying still for longer periods of time. Shit, I’m fucking down today. Still, yes, it was life I lived today. I know better to know I’m at a place, at a curve, on a cycle of a long-running perpetual-motion machine. I’m just floating along here. I really fucked a lot of things up. There were things that I could have lived differently. But am I just down on myself? After all, at the end of it all I would say it was unique, and human, and not really vague at all. Full of many a Jennifer who would both cause and solve trouble, a Jenny who sat on Santa’s lap; a Jen who did everything with very little and became a magical psychic demon/angel, just like she always thought she might be. But then, I’ve been a lot of people.

Fun question: If all of your personality traits, your ego, how others would describe you, what would your society look like?

My love of this song makes me question “Am I Lesbienne?”
When I listen to myself, I feel like I have the best friend. That’s either incredibly healthy, or psycho unhealthy.

New (Again).

Lay atop and be floated by it. Fall asleep and be created by it. You will never lose awareness, and that is what is really feared, truly. Am I not right. Of course I am.

The MUGS…the mugs, in them I saw innocent color and symbolism, divinely intuited by us in our meaty kaleidoscope world…it came back to me, so joyfully, too! I hadn’t experienced it in years. Such a simple, fun, wonderful catalyst!

I did do the shrooms. It was incredibly traumatic. I was worried I wouldn’t quite mentally heal from it. Boy, was it something. I am already moved past its “negative” experiences (holy fucking shit, i was in an endless fountain of recurring problems. Hell is: Never changing the subject. The seriousness of moving through everything; letting go; giving up and accepting death and defeat). Very interesting. Holy shit. I did not expect AT ALL for the experience to be anything other than a pleasant sensory experience with wonderful tripping and conversation with the Other Worlds. I wouldn’t willy-nilly recommend shrooms to anyone just for shits and giggles. I wouldn’t. But then again, I surely would. I guess we’re all related to everyone else’s traumas anyway. And, I remember laughing as often as I was sobbing, over and over again at how funny the whole thing was, trauma and all. It was scary, but a long while after, I had somehow grown magnificently. Am wisened up to my age. I felt like I can endure quite a bit, just as long as I remember to surrender to it. It was fucking crazy. Holy. Thank god I can’t remember the endless details. One thing is for sure: we perpetuate our own hells. I know that now, without a doubt.

Gives me peace and happiness. Guides me to really relax in a sun-dappled place and simultaneously a warm, glittering night on the porch of time.

I will never understand. 🙂 It’s stupid and hysterical. My negative voice; my positive voice; all the voices in-between. Life is truly and really Madness. How to blame anyone for anything at all? We are all choosing the most reasonably ideal and accessible reality for ourselves at all times. Some of us are luckier than ever, but there are also endless facets and considerations that leave such ideas – hence, “realities” – in the dirt. In the dust of what once was. And the dust goes into the earth and meets up with the roots that then draw them in, drawing them up and into creation; to be born again as New Leaf in a new dawning of Life = Experience and Expression (and that is what I can best describe “God” or the “As Much As Possible”

I don’t know if I am a hero, or if I should kill myself, but life is pointless, and marvelous and whether to our horror or delight, is also Endless/ness. (Wow. I have sorrow for us all. Pointless, I know. Oh wave of dark shadows, the stuff of vampires. I feed off of you, fearing Death, yet wishing to die).

As best as you can describe a thing (an expression of Nature/the nature of something): that is the goal of One’s art. That’s good, that’s informative, Jen. Take that one to heart. Write it down somewhere.

Music is transendent of all other life because it is vibrational, not the physical effects like wiggling bodily and it being a physiological sense, but that it literally moves the light inside us to an arrangement we can and do attune to. We can experience a kind of bodily-mental theatre within ourselves – AND we can grow from it. Isn’t that amazing? It has to be true.

There was definitely a time in my life that this would not have resonated with me, but I love to reflect upon myself inside it.

I think I’m a huge Phosphorescent fan.

Someday what I want to make: A gesture of the most connected kind of Love (that also illustrates that we are separation upon separation, all of us here, every day). Very beautiful and something beautiful inside of existence but outside of Human experience. Something not bright, but full of light. Some expression of my repulsion and rusted worship of Life. Of this existence as a god in a prison; a beloved child shackled to a verdant paradise.

My plan is to experience life as best I can, enjoy it as best I can. Road trips, good food, lots of walking. Music, of course. Doing what I can for people I run into, when I am able. Floating on Life, letting go of being something special or having to do anything special.

June 1, 2021 The Trip (It Was Wonderful)

Two things about the visit that just leapt out at me (an epiphany delivered through symbolism): The birds, so happy and full of life, all around me; the flock of geese, a large family, moving along, going forward; the duck and the ducklings, crossing the road, making it safely to the other side; the quail that came in front of the car and thankfully safely maneuvered around; the feather at the foot of the bush just outside my parents door as we said good-bye. In it all, I had a sense of true beauty of life; something directly connected to the most acid-dose kind of connected Love. Something good and great; meaningful and precious; beneficial to all involved that will ripple out through them and into the world. It was incredibly interesting.

Aunt Jenny’s cat, Lucy Lou

Jenny’s spirit was there.

I felt the happiness of togetherness.

Everyone felt the peace.

It was lovely and bright.

On the other side, but full of life.

People come in to work every (I mean EVERY) day and tell me about someone they lost to Death. It is crazy, man. It isn’t covid. Something has changed in people and something is changed in me. I am positive this is not normal and hasn’t happened to me before. I am positive this does not happen to my coworkers like this happens with me. I am pulling this in, and it is a privilege to be able to be of service to other people. I shit you not, I don’t even do anything; I’m just open to it. I just open a kind of portal ( I do not know how to better describe this, maybe other people have other ways of describing the depths of communication…so hard to write about. I feel a bit like I am betraying a secret. I feel misunderstood when I put it into words – especially written words. But I feel like, like this:

I don’t know where life will take me. Not for how long it will take me or to where it will take me, I do not know. But I know I will change somehow, and I, being curious about myself and mylife, will want to be reminded of how it all transpired.

And that is now what this blog is about. Documenting the change (when I feel like it).

Everything’s changed, and it’s changed for the better. It was worth it all along. Nothing is forever. Everything falls apart. Nothing ever ends. Everything goes on. So Strange.

June – The Untitled One

I feel like everything is moving too slowly for me now. But, I am responsible for what I do with that kind of excess energy. I know what I can and should like to do.

I don’t feel especially connected to anything right now, and that’s a strangeness.

I don’t want to pay my bills.

Conjuring.

I am the question and the problem. I am the answer and the solution. Also, and so confusingly also, the thing my brain can’t handle is: that I and We (You, included) are simultaneously multiplying and dividing). We are everyday getting farther apart and more connected.

Doubting myself is becoming OLD. I’d kinda rather fail (at least try) at this point than doubt myself (do nothing). Yes, I care a lot less about failing. I’m bored of my life. I need to try some things. Yes. I think I will become a tourist. YES!!!

This is where I would like to go. So, I guess I’m already on my way? Yes, i suppose it is the slow, somewhat boring beginning, as beginnings sometimes can be.

I would like to let this go, but to be able to treasure this memory as a surprise someday. To be able to attach it to the richness of living, even in a boring state it just buzzes with energy – living, eh? I want to keep it but I want to let it go at the same time.