Delight in myself as some kind of goddess, with help whenever I had questions or wanted to see something to gain insight. Delight in the arrangement of color in my space. The beautiful uniqueness of my cave, the vessel of my vessel, my treehouse, my trees. The rainbow light and me, I am in it. I am a composer. I harmonize. I draw good things into arrangement with pleases many and creates very special environment.
(This Was Not Today, This Was The Past Week or Two): Today at work, a old man gave me his ID. I knew he was a cop, like, an old-school detective-type (interested how much I like them, this kind of cop…it’s a very specific type, a specific feel to them). I just said, “You look like a cop. In a good way.” (LOL omg in a good way???) He takes his ID, looks at it, and says, “I was a cop. Back in the day. In the 80’s. That was a long time ago. I’m retired now, but I ran a security firm for a long time…”. I would love to be able to hear some stories and maybe if he comes back someday, I’ll get to.
Sick with faux-covid: My 2nd vaccine really kicked my ass yesterday and this morning! Wow, horrible and strange, but short-lived. But so sweet, Adam tucked me in last night and asked if I’d like to fall asleep to something on the tv. I said yes. He asked what and I said, “you pick”, my eyes already closed. After a few beats of his perusing YouTube, he said, “how does ‘Am I Really Dead’ sound?” It sounds great, I laughed, eyes still closed. Sweetness and joy. lol. It’s sweet when people who love you get you. Best things in life.
The weather just became beautiful, and like last year, I was sitting outside a lot, painting words into water-warped pages. I sat on my balcony, breezy, oceanic-feels. Here it is, back again, full circle, except I feel safe and established here. The fear is gone. I’m well onto my newness and await fresh choices. This home of mine with the sliding door open and the wind coming in. Safety in being loved by Adam and Captain, then outward into the world, this weird-ass meaty-kaleidoscope of a world. Anyhoo, writing in watercolor paint. Sketching. Maybe getting my pictures printed and pasting them into the pages. Very collage. Much medium. I think using fine quality thick watercolor paper so things don’t warp so much (because I value my handiwork). I think I will take pictures of the finished pages and that’s what I’ll use this blog for, using much fewer words. I think I’m finding my pattern here to be a bit repetitious. A bit boring, to be honest with myself, it has felt that way for a while. I guess I need to go live a little and then report when I’ve got a new story.
How sweet the struggle, I contemplate under the sky of a colorful string of lights attached to a perfectly cut post. Of man’s advances do I live this way, in a suppression of nature, of Nature, OF NATURE so that we may outrun it all.
A toddler, shrieking out anger (entitled to be angry, just don’t hit anyone. Entitled to be hurt and rejected, but not ok to abuse).
A strange scent of pipe tobacco, bbq, and urine = public park.
I need an infusion. Yes, so I have been helped to see that the time for shrooms is sooner rather than later. I won’t be alone, probably not. I never am. Though, sometimes the pain is greater than I think I can bare (bear? holy fuck I don’t remember) anyhow, I think I can’t take it anymore but I am somehow cared for by these energy-riding breaths of powerful nothingness. I don’t understand but I don’t have to. All I have to do is practice the things that make me feel love (that is what is the fuel of Art, afterall).
I’m glad I stuck out listening to the music. It turned out to be really good; quite healing and resonating; no challenge. sweet acceptance of death and the eternal ones who see it is but the gate to where they are. to where they will always be.
Honestly, this has begun to transform my soul this evening, this Living Room Songs by Olafur Arnalds. Dear god, I feel I need a certain strength to listen to this music. Like, it is of a slightly higher grade than I am. Teehee! Truth is so good it taps you into all of human history.
It’s good I had a weekend to unwind. I need weekends to stay sane. I also see how incredibly valuable work is (hard work) to my brain. It is giving me a very solid energy throughout the day. Wow, it’s so good. People are my new workout. I want to stick to my original plan of being the…the walking idea of who it is I will be in the end.
I have a Capriotti’s philly cheesesteak on its way to me. I’m a blessed bitch with a broken heart, a bad past and a good start.
Look at this I made and put into someone’s moly, years ago. I wonder who sees it? Did it end up in Spain?
When you can teleport, it doesn’t matter where you live.
Everything is different this time…that is the wholemsome and truiest truth. ❤
Write a million of these things, Jen. You’re not annoying anyone. No one really knows you, anyway. You are your own sword and your own heaven. (I do know that I am deeply loved and appreciated by people. I do know and am grateful, etc.)
Because I was wondering about my next shroom trip and looking forward to it, but knowing that the time does matter and the person(s) matter: “Lord”, I says, “Lord, send me the someone who I can assist via shrooms. Let me know”. Et voila, that very day at work that person started talking to me and its on, its begun. Don’t know when, but it will happen. Don’t know how it will go, but it will be an exciting ride, to be sure. 🙂
I cannot CANNOT believe how much I love my job. In each day, without a doubt, there are a couple of hours (or more, some days) of shitty shit, but for the most part, I’m laughing. I’m helping and smiling. I’m using my brain and it feels great. It gives me a high when it’s not too nuts.
Today was great, today was great. I felt so many things today. Happiness, peace, sadness, and rage. Boredom, fear, peace and calm. Happy happy moments, some. If we could will the way, some emotions would be better left to the night, and some to the day. Instead, arise they will, whenever and where my life exists inside this humanness. A push and pull of a body inside with other bodies, inside other bodies, pushing and pulling. Others. Relationships. The only thing and the everything. The Whatevers. Boundless and ripe, ready for picking when you leave the path for the orchard. Stay awhile. Stay awhile.
Yes, no One Thing. It’s impossible. For someThing to be a One, it has to have edges. And, nothing that has edges can possibly include everything. Nope.
Doing what is good for me and I’m better for it now. It’s hard-going sometimes, isn’t it, kids? Going against the flow against hard, deep currents. Swept out to sea, but close enough to see the people waving on the shore you have to work to change direction sometimes. I have advanced hugely in regard to what it is people have given me. You get to keep a lot.
Sometime previously: I left work almost in tears, just because people are so…angry. Stressed-out. Difficulties everywhere. Me, sad about being on edge; about feeling so threatened by it all. So I got in my car and wanted to cry. I dabbed my eyes and called a good friend. She told me exactly what I need to hear: some days are good and the positives of working with coworkers will be reaped! Friendships; being uplifted by them, enjoying them. Other times, one has to listen to the negativity, the bullshit and it feels burdensome, tiring.
Oh, so my dear friend, she gave me really great advice. She said perhaps I ought to preview old journals. Read about what I was wishing for, what inspired me and motivated me. She also said (after I asked her what she would do, were she me) that she would put some effort into honing my spirituality. Take a class with like-mindeds. Get Reiki certifications (super interesting, just not cheap). I think yes. My journals are in a box, packed and taped shut. I have wanted to take some pictures of the insides of those journals. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do that.
“Wouldn’t it be nice to say things to people without having to say I know this sounds weird, but…”. Yes, it would be very nice. Has been nice. Also, as such a beginner in it all it would be great to get support.
At the center, the Emperor, inverted (Central Thought):
Lack of self-control and inability to handle situations can be represented by the Emperor on a personal level. When he is reversed, the structures, rules and systems that he creates are no longer working. His desire to inspire higher principles in his kingdom have turned to ruthlessness, tyranny and rigidity. He seeks to dominate, forgetting his call from the crown to do what is best for his people, fearing only for his loss of control and thus creating suffering.(https://labyrinthos.co/blogs/tarot-card-meanings-list/the-emperor-meaning-major-arcana-tarot-card-meanings).
On the left, the King of Wands (Creative, Right-Side Brain):
“…a time of focus and perseverance.”…”This is not just a temporary condition. There is a longevity to your success. Your victories are likely the result of your ability to take chances when daring is needed and be cautious when it is required.”…”Trust your judgments on investments… The stability and success you are experiencing now has the potential to be more permanent. Your good habits will sustain you as long as you continue to actively practice them.”
On the right, The Hanged Man (The Sequential and Consequential) :
The hanged man understands that his position is a sacrifice that he needed to make in order to progress forward – whether as repentance for past wrongdoings, or a calculated step backward to recalculate his path onward. This time he spends here will not be wasted, he does this as part of his progression forward. His upside down state can also symbolize the feeling of those that walk a spiritual path, for they see the world differently. Where there are others that do not understand the need to sacrifice, you see it differently. This is a natural course of action for you as you walk the path alone.IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE IN A VERY GOOD STAGE/BRANCHING OF CLEARING SOME OF YOUR KARMA TO A MORE PEACEFUL STATE (SOMEDAY MAYBE SOME INFUSED BLISS DAYS IS THE HOPE. maybe I should make those come into reality by interpreting them into the physical/material world. What in this world could materialistically give be bliss? Well: To see another great art museum – the works, the building, the grounds. I’ve been to Chicago, to New York, to L.A. Where would the next great museum be to visit? Philadephia? After visiting family and friends, I think that would be a good goal/inspiration.
The Hanged Man card reflects a particular need to suspend certain action. As a result, this might indicate a certain period of indecision. (Basically, be patient. Acceptance of being patient for changes. Accept responsibility. Let it arrange itself, what is out of my control. Wait for alignment in my self and the world). IN OTHER WORDS, COOL YOUR SHIT AND CHILL, MAN.
I’ve been making myself blogs and journals for years and then years more, but I’ve never made myself a book. It could have everything in it, from photos to writing and it’s designed so differently (god, I loved books so, once. Just ab-so-fucking-lute-ly loooooooved books… I have to work on stillness…Let my body freak out for a few minutes. It will and does eventually relax and then my mind does succumb to switching over to the reading part of my brain.
I’m liking the opportunity for growth it is. It feels like it’s moving along and in a changing-scenery kind of way with the revolving cast of characters. Sometimes its harrrrrd because people can’t just chill the fuck out, banging their heads against the telephones against each other for no good reason; sometimes I feel carried and lifted up by them. I also love how physical it is, my job. I did a brave thing and it was worth it.
OMG yayee!! I just saw big Spring buds on the trees!!! I’m so excited! Yay, trees, yay!!!
God, finally the dishwasher is done. I can go microwave my food in a microwave-safe dish now. I had to wait, like, 25 minutes it feels like. It’s really windy right now. Beautiful out. Chimes chlanking in the chill.