Today, a surprise whole day off, alone, under very grey skies (really, really may rain). Thank god I’m enjoying it. Typical for how I roll, yesterday Adam left the house to go be with people and the timing was perfect so I could walk, sit, lay, and wander around in my state of despair. I cried when I could, letting each wave come at me like a knife, hopeful that each cut could would slash a larger hole in my swollen, weary heart; (Later, when Adam came home and we were hanging out, he said “Are you ok? You look like Darth Vadar when they take his helmet off at the end”. That was fucking funny and I’m still laughing about it! We both had a good laugh. 🙂
Punishing me for existing beyond the confines of my comfy walls. The thing that makes it devastating is that the delustion at the time that this is a very real reality “this is it. This is the truth of my life. This is reality and it is how it was, is, and shall be. I now know the Truth“. It feels like a wake-up call to an extremely negative and empty reality, but that’s the non-sense, but I don’t know that, and that’s why, folks, it’s a nightmare and it’s dangerous to my sense of self and safety.
When I woke up today, after Adam kissed me on the forehead before he left early for work (as usual), and after Captain then kissed me and stuck his little wake-up claw in my chin, it was and is a whole new day. (This is the craziest sentence you’ve ever written, Jen, you fucking retard). XD
Speaking of dreams, this morning’s was: I dreamed of intersecting with an old art teacher who was still teaching in a school I was, like I said, intersecting somehow in the dream. He was a kind of comfort, and welcoming to me to come be in that life, a creative and social life. He didn’t just remember me, but it was like he wanted to continue having me in his world and him being in my world I guess, too. I was extremely nervous and unsure of who the fuck I was in the world and I wanted to run, to end this social pressure, but somehow was unable to. Like, I had to be here right now. I was dreading the future in every way. Disturbed and upset about having to make choices and be involved.
Other people terrify me. It’s profound stuff, these simple recurrent themes. The sadness and anxiety of a combination of time passing, opportunities lost and no real idea of anything I want to do except be a good thing for the people in my life. I guess that’s where I need to let my anxieties (try anyway) fall away, if possible. It’s my only job here. My only job is to gently help and willingly assist whomever comes my way and is in my path.
I’m old enough to be the mother of grown-ups now. Mothers are involved, however, and I definitely do not wish to be anyone’s mother, though I do like being a source of comfort and a supportive listener as I pass people in the clouds. That’s all. Most days now, I cannot wait for this to end. I have 10 years left and I can’t believe it is coming to an end, but it’s true. I absolutely cry at the thought of having done a shit job and having been so sad so often. I really feel like I failed the hard parts, but don’t know if I could have done any better. I think I did try my best. I’m going to try my very best to both relax and do well in this next decade. The last 10 years went by so quickly, it seems, but I know that isn’t quite the case. I want all that I have remaining to be full of beauty and love and positive xp’s. I don’t even care to travel anymore, but I want to go more frequently to see my family. I want to see the Pacific NW. I want to go to DLand with Adam a few more times! See Death Valley. Go to Sedona once more. I want more rocks and crystals, and feathers. I want to make some staffs out of the sticks I have collected (not a ton, but a few). Charge them up through the making of them. Like life itself, like all relationship. Life is entirely about relationship – no exceptions.
You know what? Yesterday was just intense, and I’m a little traumatized from it, and I’m trying to put some order to my shaken world. That…is what this is.
Upright Hierophant (Jan. 28)
The Hierophant card represents an established set of spiritual values and beliefs and is often correlated with religion and other formal doctrines. Before you can discover your own belief systems and make your own choices (as associated with the next card, the Lovers), the Hierophant encourages you to learn the fundamental principles from a trusted source.
Work with a teacher, mentor, or guide to teach you about spiritual values and beliefs in a structured way. He may be an authority or a kind and generous mentor who nurtures your spiritual awareness and helps you access the Divine by understanding the traditions and core principles. You may also undertake a period of formal study as you delve into a subject that has been widely explored and documented.
If you have already mastered a particular field of study, you may be taking on the role of teacher and mentor to others. In this position, you honour and acknowledge your responsibility to share your knowledge in a structured way, one that respects the age-old traditions.
The Hierophant‘s arrival suggests you are following convention and staying within the bounds of a ‘tried and tested’ model. You are not yet willing to go out on a limb or offer any new and innovative ideas. Instead, you adhere to the key principles and rules that you know will lead to a successful result.
The Hierophant may call you to honour family traditions or sacred rituals that sit neglected. You are being asked to commit to spiritual practice in its most wholesome form – no customisation, no adaptation, no bending the rules. If you have been lacking ritual and tradition, create a regular practice such as daily prayer or saying grace before a meal. Consider exploring your spiritual or religious heritage.
The Hierophant Tarot card often speaks to group membership or being part of an institution. You may enjoy a deep sense of comfort being surrounded by people who have well-established belief systems and explicit values. Finding them may be as significant as exploring a new church or religious group, or as simple as joining a gym or online Tarot community. This card is about identifying with others and a way of thinking that will prompt further learning.
So true! I am filled with joy. ❤
I’ve been through a lot this week! I feel like I’m an amazing, yet retarded person. I am proud of myself for not quitting, for keep-go. It has been INTENSE!! This is the hardest part and in a couple of weeks, probably, I’ll be through almost all of it. Maybe a month.
You know what should be everywhere? Comfy chairs, couches and sedans.
I think I should be allowed to say things like, “fuck you, mutha-fuckah” in my head, and mean it in a way, but it still be fine because of how fucking cool I am too people all day. There has to be some balance and to also remember that people are human beings, which means they constantly from from what inner world to another and that makes them behave bothersomely.
I get a lot more out of living at a higher level, closer to surrender to Fate because it isn’t in our hands really at all, now is it? It’s in no one’s hands. It’s something long ago set into motion and it’s fate is our fate, too.
The Last Day of January
I am not ready to publish this yet. But I will because 1. I want to move past it, and 2. I don’t want you to feel sad or disappointed.
It’s going to be a very busy week. One of the most intense in a long time. I have to remain and practice positivism.
I am sorry to not have left a better post.
Not gonna check. Not gonna edit.