What an incredible month, wow! Everything changes, yes, but it’s like all the good things for the entire fucking year were saved up in feeling and a gate was opened to where I can feel it all and it is A LOT. Now, I have to be realistic and not forget that a lot of good happened this year, but the bad stuff was fukkin’ bad, and it feels rediculously overpowering of the good. The Big Good was in how I have been safely carried up to here. Up to this shoreline. I’m getting the fuck off this ship for a while and would like to stay grounded for a fucking little while, please. Lol. 🙂
Oh dear diary,
This is not a fork in the road, no decisions to be made, but a sudden sight of a bright and eerie ghost, deposited inside of the continuing dark green forest. Cast like a rainbow onto the walls into a tired and listless interior.
It is beautiful, sad, and confusing. I am sad and confused. It is beautiful. I don’t want to be a new person in a new decade. I don’t want to let go, but what alternative is there to the perpetual sadness of life? My fear is of actually succeeding in letting it all go and being forever at the bottom of some kind of human abyss. Like, maybe it is exactly what I think I need to let go of that is also serving as my climbing rope? My retractable ladder? Ok, I think maybe better to think of these things as notches – forever imbedded into the walls of my internal structures. Dream is to find that the depth doesn’t matter and the point of the darkness is nonsense because I’ll find I can fly and no “bottom” exists for me because I can naturally rise. No darkness could last so long that I couldn’t speedily flee out of.
I awake too early but enjoy the dawn. The sun rises beautifully over the trees across the street. An orange glowing orb goldening behind green leaves, casting soft white light through things. A neighborhood flock of pigeons circling silently, over there, over roof tops until they cast their shadows over my place and I hear the strange wave of air pushed out from between the tight fan of their wings when they take a turn. The gentlest impulses keeping them together, in sync.
Behind tempered glass and stucco walls, I am divided from the others who perhaps are standing in variant robes, over wet bones, looking out of their windows seeing the same beautiful things I am. Naked men and flannelled women. I want to share it. It feels natural to be alone in pain, but I don’t want to be alone in beauty.
Captain Cupcake Von Streudelboouts enjoying dawn-time with me.
May he live forever.
(This looks like an in memorium and I regret that. He’s fine and happy).
Wine & Cheese Party For Three – Saturday Afternoon
The Forest – Friday Morning
The leaves on the Aspens went from green to yellow very quickly and already they are falling. The beautiful wildflowers are turning lovely shades of wheat. Just so wonderful to be up there in the quiet. When we arrived there was only one other car.
Friday night…was so interesting and lovely… A conversation made of men and myself, the tensions of the year that is 2020, the tensions of reunification, the tensions of sorrows expended and it was so strangely like a funeral for a loved one and a class reunion. I was disarmed and calm, and I laughed and laughed well. And I cried a little, too. The fabric has been torn in the storms and I have one of those older person’s sad happinesses. Drinking really is sometimes excellent and perfect medicine. Good, and all that.
I went to bed with my makeup on, feeling content and lightly buzzing. Such fresh and subtle changes but a kind of a continuation that came up from underground like an unanticipated, quiet spring. Much to think on. Trying to let go of worries that haunt my soul perpetually. Fear of pain, of future pain. I just want to live for the day. And I have, that’s the thing! That’s the part I can’t integrate well! It’s literally what I am doing! I am doing it right and have to lay the fuck off of myself! Lay the fuck off so the good can stop being usurped by the fucking worrying!!!
Only a few more days left of this strange and magical month of September. How odd, how full of every emotion and transition! Yes, posting this now. I need to make this gone and start fresh tomorrow. I can do this and I can and will acclimate.
Love above all things, always,