I am now in. Things are needing to be acted upon. I’m doing just fine. This is all for my greater good (“the greater goooood”).
Listening for the second time, this time at night, to the Vangelis Bladerunner soundtrack. Honestly, it’s just so deeply beautiful. It hits me from all over and I love it. I love art. I love the creation of something that represents the depth (and darkness) of human beings. There’s gotta be nothing like us anywhere but here.
So, I was also freaked because those of us who know and love it are many yet few. A friend today, albeit younger than me by a few years (7?), did not know who Vangelis was/is. I was honestly shocked, but then I did not believe Trump ever had a chance at the presidency, so. I sent her the link to the Bladerunner soundtrack and I’m like, omg, this may be unshareable unless you were there and I was there. I was loving this as a child and loved it and knew it as an young adult. To know how different we all are depending on our experiences just blows my mind. I think we are really all from One consciousness. We die as individuals but we are and were always connected to something more than us.
I guess Vangelis is just us and we resonate in harmony with it, thusly evoking deep, dark, incorrect Love. Beautiful love. Giving and gathering Love.
P.S. I’m as a kite right now. It’s nice having cut way back, the few and far between times are better.
Oh god. So much about to happen. I don’t know where to begin, so I’ll just pick something up and start there. A wonderful mess, I should remind myself.
You cannot fairly criticize anything that isn’t You, now can you? Fairly, I mean.
I, I cannot bear this waiting to get into my new home. I’m not excited to paint, I’m not excited to feel ownership. I’m anxious to begin the life I’ve been waiting to have inside the space I need it to be in. I’m struggling to be happy about it. Paperwork has yet to be signed. Bank accounts have yet to be emptied. Nervous about having to rebuild savings – I need that security. I need to know I am safe in body and spirit. Here it is, that safety from which I can arise in full glory.
I can’t imagine the silence of my own mind and that peaceful feeling in my body, where I feel like fog in a jar on a ship. Adjusting my center through the furrows and swells, I will to be the Master of this ship.
(Days later, inside this draft)…
I’m so excited to begin anew in a new home. I walked around one of the two pools in the complex. It was 1pm on a balmy Las Vegas winter day. The bright blue ocean-sky above. The silver sun, up and off in the sky somewhere. 360 degrees around, the subtle whispering hello’s of the windchimes. Above, the violence of the palms in the strong wind. And there I am, below looking up, nearly blushing at the embarrassment and delight (real joy) that I am a lucky girl and that I get to keep this peace and rest here for as long as I wish. Because I am good and I am full of love, just like this place is and will be.
Allll five horizons revolved around her soul… ❤
I don’t have to take it, but I don’t have to be mean to assert that fact. That’s what I’m pondering on today.
“What cannot be said will be wept.” (Sappho) (waow. yeah.)
As promised, I remembered to meditate a little this morning (because I definitely noticed a positive benefit to my body the past few times I did). Today was this music:
Some clear dream-like information came after the unnecessary stuff unraveled starting my meditation. Very helpful stuff, like creating a playlist, including this, and packing headphones for my big dentist thing coming up. Something I could easily be too dissociated and/or panicked about to act on. Also, that I love “understanding and having wisdom” as one of my favorite things in life. And, that I should help people from where they are, not from where I am at. (Of course I understand that I will always have my individual perspective and must use my own wisdom to tap into “helping”. The good thing is that I learn about people quickly because I am open to the perspectives of others).
Now, as also promised to self, I am going to go clean the house downstairs, get on the treadmill for a minute and then get ready and go to work. 🙂
I feel really happy and at peace.
Death Valley is incredible. My soul feels like the wind there and I feel afraid, held close by space and time. I’d love to go again, once more before the heat comes, this season (have to act soon because I have to start moving house on my weekends).
Still Corners, GOD they’re good. I mean, I’ve never heard a shit or “ok” song from them. When I hear something and I’m in another room, I’m like, “Ooh, this is good. Is this? It is. Wow. Still Corners”. I guess that’s what makes a favorite become real.
Andrei Tarkovsky, the filmaker I need to know. I love the music and the voice of this ‘Praying Through Cinema’ critique. I’m so glad I went for something “new”. I need new things for my mind right now. New music (hate hitting the time when I know I’ve overplayed everything and it is time for something new. the finding of the new is not a ton of fun for me).
I’m packing for a quick work trip. So far I have 3 panties, 3 pairs of socks and a flashlight. Pretty much done. Unhappy about this trip, but must go. It’s a short one. I hope I can be chill.
I handled it well. Ate lots of good food. Saw colors and things. I got by. I was steps from Disneyland in a gorgeous hotel. Felt very weird and sad to not go to DLand.
I was with a friend. I love these people, yet I am not at all like any of them in major ways, but I love them and appreciate them for who they are, how strong. I held too much in and was not able to be myself. When I came home, I had a breakdown, from the exhaustion of it all. Adam, my Adam, healed me. He helped me to sleep and then when I woke he came back and took me to the desert where we walked a dirt road into nowhere as the sun set behind the Spring Mountains. I was healed. Thank god for the people in my life who lift me out of darkness.) We talked about so much of the same stuff I forget when I’m in that hellish disconnect, but in a different way that helps me move up on out of the vast empty. Yes, relaying information is important, even if it is repetitious. Someone may get something from it that is stabilizing or useful in a positive way.
We talked about what I have to do to feel better about living my life. What it will take, and I know it will take a lot. Some of it is in the works and will take a larger shift that is underway to complete itself in due time, but some is unknown to me. The biggest factors I know: I cannot thrive inside boxes if I do not go into an human-devoid, natural space at least twice a week. I cannot thrive unless I walk as alone as possible every day. I may have to change the music I listen to in accordance to my mood – to be conscious of music as either medicine or muse depending on my mood. To not eat any sugar (I’ve been really good and know it helps). To quit my job and work part time (need more time for that, but it’s on advice and I have full-support so I will do it guilt-free when it works for everyone in due time – probably June).
My three closest people in my life right now all said something to me within the past two days and it pushes my personal mantra back to the forefront of my mind: Ritual is Reality. They say it in their own way, but i found that very interesting. I must change and for that to happen means new habits to create new pathways of thinking. That’s why my simple daily stuff like diet, nature, music, writing, etc. is crucial to reinventing myself.
Speaking of reinventing yourself, we watched ‘Rocketman’. OMG love love LOVED it. So perfect for today. I wonder if having a crisis and meltdown and all that wasn’t perfect for today as well? I was avoiding watching this, I thought it’d be awful/annoying. Was wonderful/beautiful.
Oh, also something interestingly repeated. Wow, yes, so strange. Both saying Not to worry about choosing, because it’s just a choice and it doesn’t really matter. For me, choice is everything and it’s all that matters. I’m right. But so are they. Which one philosophy would work best for me now? The not giving a fuck and just going for which one I think I need most. Like choosing to go out to a show that I normally would never do, but got so much from. But not caring about which choice of floor I park on, just parking. Things like that. Not caring at certain levels. It’s complicated, but I get it.
A mirror is waiting inside of the experience of your choosing. SO IT FUCKING MATTERS WHAT EXPERIENCE YOU CHOOSE. Yeahhhhh.
My Aunt Jenny died a few days ago. I can’t believe how suddenly she is gone. Everyone thought she’d outlive everyone. It is so good I got to see her in December and spend really wonderful time with her. She texted me later how good it was to see me and that I was fun to hang out with. ❤ I’m so glad we had that time. Love you, Aunt Jenny.
P.s. I love Joe Rogan. he is such a force for good. He says, “meditate. Connnnstantly meditate.” Yes, and “you have to do certain things, and if you don’t you’re going to feel like shit”.
This blog post is depressing. WHy? I hope it’s temporary and soon I’ll have fun stuff to post. I don’t want to be done with this blog, but might be time. I truly hope not. I hope it’s a phase. (I might feel differently tomorrow).