Future Winter Nights


My next home-trip, I will light candles and meditate in the soft, white cup of my rocking chair. I will watch the candlelights (many, placed here and there and soft lamps of colored glass) reflect off of sequins and beige walls alike. I will adore myself inside of creation.

So, it may seem obvious to go out into the night sky and watch the stars while on shrooms, but I have never done it until last evening. I cannot believe how beautiful. Stars came out that were impossible for me to see before (my vision is slowly getting worse, and I never thought I’d be able to see what wasn’t seen physically as far as actual physical things go. Yet, there they were, pushing themselves joyfully bright and twinkly into my sight. it was so joyful to see something never seen before. I want to do this with someone else).

I’ve been thinking about how I can help people by acting as a guide with this sacred medicine. I just know it could bring joy and healing to other people who could benefit with a healing session with me. I know how to act as a door to other people feeling self-love, because I genuinely love the souls of others. “Seeing” their souls is probably what some would call a gift, and I had to grow up to even know it was something I can do. Sure, other people often do it, and can, but for most, I think it requires a special relationship, like mother/son; friend/friend; etc. I see the baby-soul of most people very clearly and want to see it rise in wisdom and beauty, inside its own reflection, connected to everything from dawn to dusk and from dusk to dawn. The time for this will come, and I’ll know when that is, and when that time comes I will open my house and we will sit in twilight, together before the fires of our imagination.

Dark Sky Parks – are parks where, by-law and decree, light pollution is not tolerated. Upon nightfall, the skies are as deep as we could possibly see them, and the stars as plentiful as can be seen with the naked eye. I want to go to one and lay down, and hear our voices, as if from muffled, candlelit tombs, stare into that place of darkness and light. Skin the warmth of bath-water, we laugh and suspire in waves of awe and joy. Us, on blankets; sitting in chairs light as kittens. The peace and tranquility giving us space to stop and sip our chosen embibing; and to watch a fire made by us as a human child would in a world so mysterious, that’s what we’ll do.

Alright, I really need to find some way to get tired and sleepy.


Choose the way that will make you stronger.

I fucking LOVE these videos. When I first heard M83, I couldn’t believe how good it made my soul feel. I was taking great pictures. I had a sweet little studio in a room in my house. I felt connected to Earth again. I guess it was about 2012. ❤ Fell in love with birds at the park. Yes, the pigeons. lol

This song gets with me with its Foreverness and hurtling through the intensity of being alive and then dying (in some way or literally). God, so drama, me.

I love.

I push play.

I turn the volume up way way loud.

Time and space. Stuff like that.

Remember When Our Songs Were Just Like Prayers

Fear is founded, be thou grounded
Folksong & symphony yeah!

I’ve had a lot of peace this past week. Hugely due to my realization and acceptance of the way we access memory and access future or present goings-on. I can be alone and feel inside eternal truths. The feeling is like having fun and being loved at the same time. It’s pretty cool, and is no small thing. It may be the most important thing I’ve attained in my entire life, I think.

I had sad/bad/disturbing dreams just before waking, and I think I will just interpret the chicken bones and tea-leavings here and know that I can use what is learned to strengthen myself for what is to come.

Today I’m getting ready for my trip! Packing warmer things I’ve never worn before. Happy to be going somewhere where I may

My goal is to be entirely packed by Sunday night. Way early, but it will alleviate 90% of my stress of traveling. I wish I could post as I go, but what I think I’ll do is to write everything down, make drawings/sketches, take tons of beautiful pictures (I can’t wait to take pictures) and then make myself several blog postings and maybe this time I’ll really do it and throw a little book together for myself. I was going to make myself life-books therapeutically, and I started many but I’ve never in my life printed even ONE. That. Is. Crazy…why, Jen?

Well, this year I’ve got a lot of goals to work on. It is a huge big deal for me to finish these things I need to finish, I feel it very very deeply. Any song I hear, and photo I pick up reminds me “Jen, write this down; Jen, put this in order, label this, finish this drawing, lay down the thing you wanted to lay down here”. It may sound like something someone does before they die, and honestly, that is exactly what I think is happening. BUT, it could be metaphorical death, so that I may progress further in life, or have a body, a reference of work that will give me power to heal myself, view my life in a certain way, or arrange things in a way that supports my “new” life ahead, whatever that may mean. It gives me anxiety to think into the future, so I’ll stop right here and just leave it with: doing these things will be fun, creative, joyful, and I will love to have done it. (I now have anxiety, thanks).

I can’t be protected from the storm. I am the storm. ❤

That’s Tartar Sauce

I’ve written some of this over time, never posting it. why.

Because it’s mostly shit, but there is hardcore charm in some of my utter crap. I have levels lower than utter crap, so it’s really not an arrogant thing to say, like I’m saying ‘even my shit is good’. No, my shit-shit is like Down Syndrome Satanic. Here we go:

You can microwave frozen fish sticks! It doesn’t even give instructions on the box. It specifically says “microwave cooking not recommended“. But I did it and it came out good and I thought, “I’m really going to be ok”!

I just really love this song right now. It really reminds me of the desert and makes me want to go out into it…How will I ever live without the desert?
I don’t even know what this means, but I am touched.
Haunted. Absolutely haunted. I think I would be deeply disturbed listening to this at actually Xmas time. It’s too much. I have no distractions for these kinds of feelings…

Jen, stop posting so much Ben Howard. There’s so much more in life to cry about. Vary it up a bit, shit.

This video edit doesn’t matter in life. What matters in the tyoon.

Alright, good night. Some older draft junk (that I will like that I kept soon). Good job, Jen. You are fucking cool.

Seriously awful rant. (Surprise it’s me from the past from the future!)

I wrote this one month ago exactly. I never posted it, because I do not like to be outwardly negative in any way anymore. I believe it really does hurt people and I believe it is better to not do that. So, yes, even here anonymously (somewhat), I did not want to set my literal bad vibrations out there on Earth. But my point: I feel so exactly opposite right now of what I write below. I feel absolutely amazing about being at work because of all the growth I’m experiencing by being there. Some of my positive growth is literally spiritually, insanely, wonderfully magical. Like today, when I understood the first time the power of a Holy Triangle. I mean literally 3 things of anything – people, especially. Triangles are beautiful, powerful things. I have been in them. I look back and understand that energy is abounding and powerful and can be directed toward marvellous fun and workings by the group. Wow, yeah, I experienced that on a different level with two others at a few points today. Between to older, powerful men who for some reason loved me; between a coworker in-tuned and a masculine warrior woman patient (we each produced an owl. we were all weirded-out mildly and delighted similarly); between my sweet Bonnie and my dynamic Joseph…wow…we just opened up to receiving some weird fucking wow stuff from the other dimensions and spaces of existence.

I just want I just want my future, freaking-out, suicidal future self to remember that things just get really change-y in my inner world. They go absolutely topsy-turvy and you will forget entirely that everything will really, truly be ok once again and that everything is getting a little better, broader, more interesting as we go. It is scary and awful and no one would blame you for jumping off of a cliff if they knew what you really were feeling and perceiving. BUT, you have an entirely second soul that is merely out there at there, swimming around, holding flowers; feeling the future like a warm, dark, daytime storm…out there being beautiful and connected. On its way to reconnecting with you as we speak, as we think, as we write this. (And so, too, shall the storm push us away, into the wet and hurting barrens).

I think I have to quit my job. I think about death, craving, and loss every single day. (I work at a charitable rehab as an administrative person). I’m now completely off my meds (for depression) and I’m not sure if it’s “them” or if it’s Me who is the core source for whatever is going on in me. I’m too afraid to write on paper what I’m thinking or feeling exactly, because I don’t want it around. It is hard to describe what this is like, except everything seems very real when I know it might not be real – or it might not be mine. I work around addicts, with serious fucking problems in their lives. My life has zero problems – technically. But i feel a way that is not good at all and I feel like I can’t get off of it. I feel like I was supposed to have died a few years ago, but I did not. I don’t feel like I have a second chance. I don’t have feelings of freedom that I think I should have. i don’t want to do anything and everything feels hard. I feel in debt with my wishes and promises to self and self-life. I feel detached almost all the time from people, even after I’ve had wonderful encounters with them that I think have healed me or fed me or whatnot. I feel a sense of horror about life.

I’m writing this here because i can see it, but I can delete it. This is my secret place. Except I’m so fucking stupid to include my real name around here. OR AM I?? Hahaaaa the jokes on you. My name’s Almandine and I’m a MAN. I like polka-dots and I have a gray standard poodle called Shrimp.

My Instagram account was hacked and taken over. I can’t access it. Looks like whoever has it for whatever reason isn’t doing anything to it or with it. I can’t think of WHY anyone would do that. I

Hi, future self here. I do know why they would do it. Gotta have seemingly legit followings nowadays if you want to be InstaFamous© and for that you need seemingly legitimate followers. Indian/Chinese? sweat factories of “likers” being paid to “like” from hundreads of accounts. Pretty sure about this. So, yours stolen to add to usable, yet legit users to “like” paid by Instragrits desperados/marketers.

Never feels right without a picture. (Child Jen approved)

James Eads

“Your Number Is Zero”



0 is the Alpha (beginning) and Omega (the highest) as there is no beginning and no end. All is infinite. The ancients proclaimed that the ‘God force’ is a circle whose centre is everywhere and its circumference is nowhere.  

ZERO is the number of the ‘God’ force and Universal Energies and reinforces, amplifies and magnifies the vibrations of the numbers it appears with. The number ZERO encompasses the attributes of all other numbers, and brings one closer to the ‘God force’ or ‘Source’.  

ZERO is the symbol of ‘nothingness’ and denotes freedom from limitations in this material world.

The number ZERO resonates with the vibrations and energies of eternity, infinity, oneness, wholeness, continuing cycles and flow, and the beginning point. The number 0 stands for potential and/or choice, and when this number presents and recurs it is a message to do with developing one’s spiritual aspects as ZERO is considered to represent the beginning of a spiritual journey and highlights the uncertainties that may entail.  It suggests that you listen to your intuition and higher-self as this is where you will find all of your answers.

Everything and absoluteness, All.

0 is the number of Pluto;  ruler Scorpio.  The 0 stands for all that was before Creation, for the God Power in all of us.

0 symbolizes Eternity – the God Source before Manifestation, which is pure Spirit.  In Numerology the 0 is important as it stands for Potential and/or Choice.  It represents everything, being Infinity  –  the two definite ends of the finite, neither of which is physically attainable.

It is the totally Mystical Symbol, indicating the degree of Spiritual mysticism that is available, but rarely developed in the individual.  It represents wholeness, oneness and continuing cycles.  It is the Alpha and Omega.

When combined with another number, the potential of that number is magnified, giving the flow of God Power to the structure of that number.  It magnifies, enhances and increases the potential and dimension of the number, bringing success and perfection to those people, ie. 10, 20, 30 etc to go forward with confidence because of the protection and Divine Consciousness of the Zero.

The Tarot card is The Fool.

With the new century there will be as many as 5 zeros on a birth chart.  This occurred in October 2000.  All those born on those date will need very special guidance, from a very young age.  They will be extremely sensitive, highly Spiritual and will find it very difficult to adjust to the material world of the earth plane.  Also, the more zeros in their chart, the more experiences they have chosen to have, in order to learn the many lessons they have chosen.  This will automatically suggest that there are more colours missing from their chart.

The Ruling Master for The Fool Tarot card and the number zero is the Master Lord Maha Cohan.  He is the Lord of Civilization and works on the 3rd Ray Energy.

Source: http://numerology-thenumbersandtheirmeanings.blogspot.com/2011/05/number-0.html

Going Places

I can’t believe I got tickets to a SHOW. And on my own, of my own will/wanting. I’m having an “oh god what have I done”. In public, in my body, in an open venue ( a small venue I’ve heard nothing but good things about from people who would care. but how? it has a bowling alley in it i think people are allowed to use during shows (if they pay extra…like bottle service for people who don’t like to get drunk and fingered while they do whatever it is people do at shows besides or instead of just stand still/stare or sway and mouthe pathetically words not of our own but literally right out of the mouths of their creators). Where was I…

BUT, i demand of myself that I enjoy this show. I hope he sings Powder, and Liars, and a couple others. I don’t know his whole discography, but I think that’s good. Patrick Park, the opener, I don’t know. I just took what looks like a fun risk so I could be in a smallish as possible group of people, listening to beautiful, sad sounds from a beautiful young man? I won’t allow myself to regret it. Oh, and it starts at 6:45pm! (Taking my exclamation marks down a knotch, so I don’t read as quite so manic. yeah, i need to take it all down a knotch socially speaking. Why can’t I live in a cottage in the woods where people pay me for my advice and then go away – both of us with smiles on our faces? But I don’t want to live without Adam, and he needs people – so do i, i know – so gotta live this way. But my dreams include some kind of space where I can be alone for long days and the occassional night but not be far away from “also home”. Where’s that place? Is it in Maine? I will know soon.

Another thing to be nervous about – Maine. I’ve never been so far east and I know I’ll feel like I’m in a foreign country, and I’ll be afraid, and I’ll probably cry a little and feel a little homeless, but bless my soul, do I need this. So many ways I need this…

The Atlantic darkness. A cold mist against my fragility, maybe breaking it down and away from me, letting my new self out like a demon in a doorway (lol – War on Drugs/Pain). I do not believe in “the harder it is, the better it is” anymore. I don’t want to set myself on fire to get rid of the fleas as an example.

I’ve more nightmares and disturbing dreams recently than ever in my life. I think it’s a shedding. I’m going through choices in some way…hard to describe. More like, I’m pulling something up that needs mental work or is confusing me; like, ‘who am I in this’, ‘what do I believe about this’, ‘would I fight for this, or walk away’? It’s an intense mental spring cleaning, I think. I’ve made a point of processing these bad dreams, and I think i feel somehow stronger, now that I think about it. Less afraid, less angry. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? I aim to save my own life. I have some time. I get to be as weird as I want, because fuck people. Much as I care about them as my Universal Family, fuck human beings and their evil shit. lol

No, I know I’m evil. I hate the parts of myself that are evil. The parts of me that aren’t integrated during any given moment moment. Integrated = integrity. I guess I work on my sense of integrity. Yes, some work on their honor, by abstaining. Some work on their integrity by being consistent. I need to be more consistent…aha, ok Jen…let’s focus/remember on this.

Things I want to consistently do: drink more water, excercise, be somewhat on a particular time to arrive at work (it would really make your boss happy), not eat sugar, meditate, stretch, take pictures of places I fantasize about taking pictures of = doing things some part of me really wants to do but never gets to do, like go downtown and take pics of things happening. God, make them black and white. Can you imagine?! It’d be brilliant.

Things I am torn about: cussing – I love to cuss, but I’m worried I sound angrier than I am, upset/threaten other ppl with my toned-words, sound dumb, sound untrustworthy. Hmm.

oh, i got Corel Painter 2020. For some reason, my pen works so much better in this than Photoshop. Inspired. Not gonna jinx it. Not feeling photoshop. Maybe new time to learn new thing.

Let someone come in to my sanctuary and spend the night. Like a girl night but with shrooms and one of you is a recent widow. Not gonna lie, was fcuking. hard. There are no drugs I could take that would make me this kind of girl. A girl’s girl. I have one girlfriend that is really, truly someone I would spend time with because I really wanted to hang with and I think now she might have agreed to be a kind of supportive guardian angel-type to me. I’ve (very important) decided to, and acted mentally on, recall and appreciate the positive aspects of this time we shared, and truly there were magical moments. I saw video of Michael as a baby and up till when he died and it made me feel closer to him – could feel him there. Sitting in the dark outside on my porch where the sage had a gentle, last hurrah bloom of vibrant purple flowers; talking like two elder women at a wilderness campfire in the perfect circle of harmony where each one plays a part and enriches the tribe.