Shelter As We Go

Beginning this day having slept really well, but also short about 30-60 minutes. I called in sick (I kind of am. Literally breathed in toxic dumpster fire smoke yesterday, but that’s my life now, RFLOP).

Listened to someone famous talking about creativity and why it’s important to get your truth out into the world via creative output. Basically good confirmation of what I know already, that if you help someone relate, even 500 years from now, someone who isn’t even born yet, you Help. And we really are all One. I believe this very deeply. It is coming on more as “real” now that I’m older and I do more drugs. lol

It is just so hard to be a person. The push and pull of our inner and outer world is often confusing and tough to ride out. We’re all so separated and alone, and yet right there, there we are, with each other. It is so lonely inside. I know from my extremely limited experience that the Other Side is not like that. We journey in ways together that are so deeply shared and enjoyed – and that is all because we are bound by some strange thing, like a body we all live in. It is cliche and a poor (or none, really) explanation to call it Love, but the thing is best called that, and that’s how most people I know refer to it. “Consciousness” is not a good enough word. Anyhow.

I’m going somewhere this weekend, and while no one is pressuring me whatsoever, I’ve figured out I am the focus of the gathering. I shall not be afraid, because I know I have no control over anything anyone wants, I only have control over my boundaries and what I will allow to go across my threshold, either from the inside or the outside. The best I can do is gladly open the door and stand aside if I see what wants in or out is a good thing. Assuming if I can and do find the door. Do I know where the door is? Is it always in the same place? Will I learn to navigate the interiors? I hope that is the case, because how amazing would that be to help people in that way? How amazing? If it is real, it is sacred work. Work I am grateful to be able to do. Is it ok to talk about? Write about? Yes, I think so.

Lord Huron – The Night We Met

Lord Huron – Ghost On The Shore oh god oh god how lovely that intro I want to be on it on a merry-go-ground and ride and ride. Next to the ocean, but Up on a grassy cliff.

Being attached to, and feeling the feelings of, another person is extremely difficult. It has made my whole life hard. Not knowing I am separate, not knowing others do not feel the same situation. I suppose if other people did, it would be a very kind world. OR WOULD IT? For God’s sake, no, we’d be mercy-killing the fucking lot of us/them. lol God kill me now. Please. I fucking hate this shit. Ew, I fucking hate my SELF. This is not right.

I need more energy, but how?

I’m being guided to lay down and rest. I will, and I’ll be back. (Remembering: very important for me to acknowledge when I am tired; that it is ok to be tired; when I am tired, I should rest. Literally lay down until I feel restored).

Intermission Music

This is a Simulation

When you need some basketball-on-asphalt bass: Royksopp

The Irrepressibles – In This Shirt (Röyksopp Remix)

This is the dumbest looking post I’ve yet to move too far and forward on.

I see things now I haven’t seen or felt in a long long time. It is amazing. I feel like I’ve been given a gift from all the Magic of the Universe, really. Things feel beautiful to me. Color matters when described in words and poetry. Music is a wind I can feel on my mind and something I can move around inside of. My sadness floats, but my Self is no longer unconscious. I love the people of my world. I want to stay here, and I’m ok if this is my home. It is now a yellow sky.

A simulation. Life felt like a simulation. (I feel like I’ve read this somewhere). I wish I could write and draw on marble. A cold, endless rail of raw marble, going on for leopards of miles. Me, drawing on it at dusk, in a violet dress, backlit, smiling. Oh, you beauty.

Today I heard a child tell me how her friend went insane in some of his first episodes of schizophrenia. Wow. Fucking awful. Maybe the insane should be allowed to live on the street in their own reality, but be given lots of food kitchens and walk-in facilities. Afterall, what is it for us to say “they don’t get to be out here in their beliefs”?

I will someday need an editor. I can’t … can’t go back and read the shit I write. I mean, I LoVE writing, and I think this is really good for me, and i laugh and think about my own thoughts and visuals, or whatever. But, I am a SHIT editor.

That’s it for tonight. I have to go to bed. I fucking hate sleeping. I love naps, I hate mid-night. I. Hate. Mid. Night. I hate Tom Cruise and I hate mid-nights.

Save Draft

I am experiencing everyone as if they were dead already.

Hi everyone, I am Jennifer, and I am doing an open-house of my mind today. Come on in, enjoy my present, respect it as already now the past, and as a message from your own future as well. This is what the present, or “present moment” can be defined as. Learn to not misunderstand it. It is nothing to be grieved, so know that if you are grieving it, that’s ok, but that is not to influence or take over what is Present Moment (PM).

At the present PM, I am seeing a repeating and ever changing pattern of geometry and faces. Repetitious, cyclic, but not unchanging. One big thing happening repeatedly, lots of smaller things within having their own individual nowness. So yes, like a fractal, but with lots of variations/truths/laws.

lol laughing at myself (the best time ever) reading what I’ve written. I should like well-enough, who it is that I am as a person, to be able use my life in a way that brings me appreciation of what can be, because of what is. (There needs to be a word for this, if there isn’t one already. I wish I knew it if there is a word).

I’m going to make life nice for me. I’m going to go make a pizza, because I would enjoy that. I’m going to clean my kitchen because it would be nice to have a cleaned space. I’m going to do this because I love myself and want myself to have good things. I’m going to play some music, some from my Record Room playlist I made after going to Cam’s and the feelings were so good .

I really must improve my patience. I think of myself as BIZARRELY patient, but is that really true? Am I actually SO IMPATIENT that that is the real curse I’ve put upon myself. (I can’t imagine all the curses I’ve put on myself in this single life OMG LOL MY GAWWD).

Feels: So lucky I got to live this. So deeply. So really. That I can miss something because it was real. 🙂 I am very lucky to have lived it and to have been loved so much (by lots of people, so so many. Even those little, tiny, millisecond loves were so powerful and forevering…thanks everyone for being just whoever you are and were, for being so kind. Such kindness. It’s all right…

When people become too close to me. No.

When I become too close. NO. I do not understand enough to be comfortable. So, I’ll choose very kind, very very kind people to be with right now. I don’t want to hurt myself.

I am sorry for all the people I’ve left behind. So many. I am sorry, I always was sorry. But I don’t want to hurt myself. So, it’s always good-bye.

Tom says: If you want to change the vibe, change the music.

I’m cleaning the kitchen but was drawn in back here so I could write that above statement down. I’ve got a lot to process, but adding to that are the endless possibilities, failures, and dramas that a person can imagine. And, as a stupid member of humanity, I understand best through violence and failure. ❤

This is my fucking amazing music experience thus far, this evening (from my personally curated ‘Sacred Desert’ playlist:

Fink – Looking Too Closely

Royksopp – Here She Comes Again

Beach House – Myth

(I just visited Captain “Bubbie” Cupcake, and I thought he looked old, for the first time, he looked like a non-young, older kitty to me. And, I felt my tears rising, because, as I stroked and smoothed his sweet old head, I did not know how old he was. So, I cry a little, because who knows? Who has already grieved him? He came to me not as a little kitten, but a grown cat).

Big Black Delta – Dreary Moon

Heilung | LIFA – Krigsgaldr LIVE (read this comment off of the video comment thread: ” You know what’s wrong with today’s society? No one drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore… ” lol XD

I simply must go now, but I am happy, and I feel understanding.

❤ If you can hear and love another man’s music, you can hear and love that man. (Me, circa neow).

(Sunday) Thursday Night Live

A lot of people don’t know this about me, but when I was young and hot, I auditioned for ‘The Professional’. In Europe this famous is called ‘Leon’, but most people who don’t get a chance to be in European knowledge circles do not know this. It’s ok, I serve to be a bridge between peoples.
Ricky. Takes care of the band’s needs.
The simple enjoyment of nature, sunshine, and friends.