Beginning this day having slept really well, but also short about 30-60 minutes. I called in sick (I kind of am. Literally breathed in toxic dumpster fire smoke yesterday, but that’s my life now, RFLOP).
Listened to someone famous talking about creativity and why it’s important to get your truth out into the world via creative output. Basically good confirmation of what I know already, that if you help someone relate, even 500 years from now, someone who isn’t even born yet, you Help. And we really are all One. I believe this very deeply. It is coming on more as “real” now that I’m older and I do more drugs. lol
It is just so hard to be a person. The push and pull of our inner and outer world is often confusing and tough to ride out. We’re all so separated and alone, and yet right there, there we are, with each other. It is so lonely inside. I know from my extremely limited experience that the Other Side is not like that. We journey in ways together that are so deeply shared and enjoyed – and that is all because we are bound by some strange thing, like a body we all live in. It is cliche and a poor (or none, really) explanation to call it Love, but the thing is best called that, and that’s how most people I know refer to it. “Consciousness” is not a good enough word. Anyhow.
I’m going somewhere this weekend, and while no one is pressuring me whatsoever, I’ve figured out I am the focus of the gathering. I shall not be afraid, because I know I have no control over anything anyone wants, I only have control over my boundaries and what I will allow to go across my threshold, either from the inside or the outside. The best I can do is gladly open the door and stand aside if I see what wants in or out is a good thing. Assuming if I can and do find the door. Do I know where the door is? Is it always in the same place? Will I learn to navigate the interiors? I hope that is the case, because how amazing would that be to help people in that way? How amazing? If it is real, it is sacred work. Work I am grateful to be able to do. Is it ok to talk about? Write about? Yes, I think so.
Lord Huron – The Night We Met
Lord Huron – Ghost On The Shore oh god oh god how lovely that intro I want to be on it on a merry-go-ground and ride and ride. Next to the ocean, but Up on a grassy cliff.
Being attached to, and feeling the feelings of, another person is extremely difficult. It has made my whole life hard. Not knowing I am separate, not knowing others do not feel the same situation. I suppose if other people did, it would be a very kind world. OR WOULD IT? For God’s sake, no, we’d be mercy-killing the fucking lot of us/them. lol God kill me now. Please. I fucking hate this shit. Ew, I fucking hate my SELF. This is not right.
I need more energy, but how?
I’m being guided to lay down and rest. I will, and I’ll be back. (Remembering: very important for me to acknowledge when I am tired; that it is ok to be tired; when I am tired, I should rest. Literally lay down until I feel restored).